Date	Name/email Nom/email	What is the best way to kill yourself when you're under 13? Quelle est la meilleure forme de suicide pour les moins de 13 ans?
26 May 2002	Lucy Cortina	What's that funny smell? Smells like...er... is it sour grapes? Forgive me, I can't tell with this plastic nose.
26 May 2002	billy the freak	i will start my own little legion of followers through YOUR website mouchette. i will write my own cute little fiction stories that everybody will like and have something to say about. unlike some people i know, i will leave an email address so people can talk to me without having to go through YOUR website. i am a long time fan and i have had several little things on YOUR website under many names and addresses, but it doesn't seem like you turn anything down. all i am trying to say is this is MOUCHETTE.org not lucycortina.org and now he/she? is deciding who sticks around! oh my goodness lucy wants me to stick aroung, kewl she must like me, great now i have a friend and i no longer need to kill myself. suck off you wide-o and get your own damn website. your time has come lucy stop stealing the glory.
22 May 2002	David	this website is here to prevent people from killing themselves. you want to die so you look for easy painless ways to do it. then you start reading this shit and some of it is soooo funny that you forget all about killing yourself and realize laughter alone is worth staying alive, for at least a little while longer.
21 May 2002	Lucy Cortina	Dominatrix, stick around, I am very curious. My crazy life continues... I discovered yesterday that my mum is having an AFFAIR! If it was with Richard Branson or some other rich mug I wouldn't care (hey, I could afford my surgery then), but OH NO, it had to be... the POSTMAN! Argh! I answered the door to him, and he said: "Can I see your mum? I have a little... er... package for her". So I said: "Why don't you just post it through the letterbox?" and he said: "Oh... it's... er... too big for this letterbox". Sacre bloody bleu! My sister ran outside and wanted to look in the postman's 'spaceship', as her brain saw it. He let her in. She demanded that all her teddy-bears be allowed in too, for an alien 'wee party' (tea-party to us earthlings). So she got stuck in there and wouldn't come out. She'd brought little cushions for her bears Peter, Eggy, Belle and Auntie Fantra to sit on. She made them little sandwiches from the letters in the post-van, spreading butter on them. She offered each bear one. When the postman had to go, she said "No, we LIKE IT!!" Mum dragged her out and apologised to him. Just remember people, when I become a psychopathic nutter in my adult years, remember who's to blame. This is the proof.
11 May 2002	give me a break	For those idiots that write this board and say "My gosh why would anyone want to kill themself, I would never kill myself, life is just so golly gee wonderful"... I say oh, yeah. What if you, Had MS and were abandoned by all your family and friends. Had irreversible brain damage. Became mentally ill and ended up in an institution (again abandoned by family and friends (but with a good connection to the internet)). Woke up every morning with chronic depression and wanted to die, evey second of the day. Became blind. Had parkinsons and were flapping your arms all day. People who are healthy and lead good lives are treated well by others and want to live. Wait till you become disabled mentally or physically and then you will understand. We all suffer and die eventually. (Now these are extreme circumstances and most 13 year olds should NOT want to kill themselves. If you broke up with your boyfriend or are being bullied that is not a good reason to kill yourself.) Also, man is not innately good and no, there is no GOD (if there was why would God allow suffering). So, do you get it people? PS: if drops of blood appeared on this screen after I send this message that would be really tasteless
07 May 2002	Lucy Cortina	I'm really not trying to blow my own horn, but I have very large nunga-nungas (titties to you pervs). Yesterday my cousin and his mate came round. The mate that has the hots for me. Ughh! Mutti, vati and Grandad were playing snap. My cousin's mate pretended to be reading a comic, but I bet he was secretly looking at my nunga-nungas. My breasts are making me a mockery of a sham. They're like 2 beacons that attract the wrong sort of ships. I went to bed early. Mutti came into my room to get my sister out of my wardrobe. She's made a nest in there that she calls a 'wee-wee' house (I think she means treehouse). Over the shouting I said to mum "Would you and dad club together to pay for me some breast reduction surgery?" It took her a year to stop laughing. No one ever takes me seriously! I can't even get 5 quid from dad for some decent lipstick. He'd never give me money. Even if my breasts were so big that I had to have 2 servants called Carlos and Juan to carry them around for me.
04 May 2002	Lucy cortina	OH MY GOD!!! I have an admirer.. on the internet. Shall we now have internet sex? "ASL? bla bla Oh I'm naked... what are you wearing?" no thanx! Please get back to your lalaland and let me go back to mine. I have no time for men in my pursuit of fame. PS- Update: I followed dad to work the other morning. I had to set my alarm really early and get up at 5.00am... so I was very groggy and grumpy. I went to the toilet, got dressed and went into the kitchen for some coffee. And the shock I got!! dad was stood over the cooker wearing nothing but an apron and pink frilly knickers, frying bacon!! OMG! dad thought I was sleepwalking so I went back to bed. I am now a very disturbed, and emotionally scarred teenager. I may need counselling. I suspect that dad is one of these 'nature nudie boy' types, that like to clean the house, and ride bikes in the nude and stuff. Ewww! it must have been a nightmare I had.
30 Apr 2002	Lucy Cortina (like a diva)	I think i've decided that my new idol is Madonna (although I won't inject myself to look young, cos i am!) She's perfect: Sexy (moi!). Confident (moi!). and Clever (moi!). Have you seen the video for 'Beautiful Stranger'? Where she puts her bum in Austin Powers' face as a means of flirting? I'm trying that, with every boy I meet! In the song 'Frozen', she says something like 'Love is a bird, she needs to fly'. Well my sister heard this, and mistakenly thought Madonna was talking about tampons. Winged tampons (do the maths yourself!). So anyway, my sis ran upstairs, stole my tampons and opened the bedroom window. She began throwing the tampons out of the window and shouting "They are birds, they need to fly! they need to fly!..." Unfortunately, a tampon landed on the head of the sea monster from next door. This seemed to agitate the monster, who proceeded to knock on our front door and shout. She told mum about the flying tampons. Mum dragged my sis downstairs, who was screaming "they need to fly!! they need to fly!!!" Mum ordered her to apologise. My sis just stood there, looked defiantly at the monster and said "would you like to go to the loo?". She was referring, of course, to the sea monster's pained looking, scrunched up face. PS- This morning I found a pink frilled corset and red leather bra in dad's working bag. It is shocking to think that he holds 'ladies' parties for men, (or whatever you call it) at work. I may do a bit of spying... *rah hahaha!*
09 Mar 2002	Le coin-coin masqué	Déguise-toi en lapin et va dire bonjour à ton copain Arsène.
06 Mar 2002	Lucy Cortina	I'm so sad that i've resorted to looking at my old diaries. I will share them with you - My fabtastic holiday in "och-aye land" (or scotland, if u prefer) 5 hundred years after driving with a madman at the wheel (dad) and 2 mad things in a basket (Angus & my sister). After 2 hours of trying to find a cottage and listening to Vati ramble on about the 'wonderful countryside' I was ready to pull Dad's head off, steal the car and drive, drive like the wind back home. The fact that I can't drive stopped me, but I'm sure that once behind the wheel, i could pick it up? We finally arrived at some crappy cottage in the middle of nowhere. When I first looked at the cottage I couldn't stop myself from saying: "You can tak' our lives, but you cannae tak' our freedom!!", although I didn't much feel like Mel Gibson at that point. So, I was completely stuck in Braveheart land with the nearest shop 12 hundred miles away... TO BE CONTINUED...
03 Mar 2002	Lucy Cortina (REALLY)	Moi?? Objective observer, I have to say that I am absolutly OUTRAGED! As my head teacher says, "HOW DARE YOU???"! Whether or not that is really an 'observer', or indeed Mouchette himself, you talk bullshit. I was actually going to say that Mouchette, you should not stand for that John Barone calling you a nudist... ...although how do i know that isn't true? A lot of artists do like to use the naked body as, um.. 'art'. The GENUINE, REAL LUCY CORTINA---- proof: Recently, Pamela Anderson was voted the 15th sexiest model in history. It was interesting that the 14th was an airfix model airoplane... up to you, boys to decide which one has the most plastic and leaves you with the stickiest hands...
26 Feb 2002	Lucy Cortina	"Superman" Today the phone rang, and my sister answered it. "Heggo? Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes, listen" I could hear her singing her version of 'Dancing Queen' and there was a banging noise as well - she would be doing the accompanying dance. God help the poor sod on the other end of the phone. "Dancing bean... dancing bean... feel the touch of my tangerine...ine..." It was so loud even Mutti was forced to shut her up. The phone was for me - it was Robbie, my new Sex God boyfriend. I shot downstairs, checking in the mirror at my hair, wanting to put on some make up. OH GOD!!! Am I mad? Sex God doesn't have X ray vision and can't see down the telephone line!
12 Feb 2002	Lucy Cortina	Sacre bleu! Can't a girl get any peace? Not only do I have parents from planet V.Crazy, I have the boss of a suicide website who can't get me out of his head. If you think about it from another point of view, you'll understand! haha. Actually, I've been spending a few days in the ugly home, with a lot of middle aged men smelling of garlic, wearing white coats trying to convince me that I do not need to have plastic surgery like Michael Jackson. They didn't suceed. I now look like a squashed banana. Want a photo?
09 Feb 2002	Lucy Cortina	God I'm bloody bored! Who needs parents? All they do is shout - they need to be put in a loony bin. Sacre bloody bleu and double merde! I'm considering plastic surgery for my uglyness - although if I end up like Michael Jackson then maybe my family would actually notice that I exist!
08 Feb 2002	Lucy Cortina	"Party Time!" Don't ask why, but I went to the party dressed as a stuffed olive (again!). My friend Jane came in a red Britney-Spears-style catsuit. As I got to the front door, Angus (my mad cat) had one of his 'calls of the wild'. As I was passing by as a stuffed olive he leaped from his concealed place behind the curtains (or his lair, as I supposed he imagined it in his cat brain) and attacked my tights or 'prey'. I managed to beat him off with a brush. Dad wouldn't let me walk to the party so I said "What would I be doing walking the streets at night as a stuffed olive... gatecrashing cocktail parties?" Jane smirked but dad got all angry so I went in the car. When I got there I had a horrible time. In a mood of defiant stuffed oliveness I did have a dance by myself, but things kept crashing to the floor around me. The highlight was meeting SP or Sexpot. He is soooooo gorgeous, and I must have him! What's more, he is the older brother of Jane's boyfriend Tim. Sacre bleu. But still, he will be MINE!
07 Feb 2002	Lucy Cortina	"Family - Who needs 'em?" I have a mad uncle called Eddy, who's as bald as a coot. If he says to me one more time "Should bald heads be buttered?" I may kill myself. I felt like yelling @ him "I'm 16 years old! I'm bursting with womanhood, I wear a bra! OK, it's a bit on the loose side and rides up my neck if I run for the bus... but the womanly potential is there, you bald coot!" When I went downstairs, Uncle Eddie had picked up my sister and was dancing around with her. She was singing "Uncle Eggy, Uncle Eggy!", which is quite funny when u think about it. When Uncle Eddie had gone (thank the lord) he actually asked me if I'd like to ride in the sidecar of his motorbike. Are all adults from planet Xenon? What should I have said? "yes certainly, I'd love to go in your pre-war sidecar and with a bit of luck all my friends will see me with some mad, bald bloke, and that'll be the end of my life. Thankyou".
07 Feb 2002	Lucy Cortina	"Les Idiot" Today me & Ellen were sitting in the toilets with our feet against the back of the doors, so that the Hitler Youth (prefects) wouldn't know we were there and send us out into the torrential rain. They call it a 'slight shower'. They'd still say that if the first years were being swept to their deaths by tidal waves, or if Elvis' hut floated by with a flag on the roof. I said to Ellen thru the cubicle wall "Is your brother slightly mad?" I could hear her crunching her crisps. She thought about it. "No, he's quite a laugh, really. He calls going to the toilet 'going to the piddly diddly department'". I could hear her thru the wall, laughing and choking. I just sat there staring at the door. After a bit she controlled herself and said "If he's going to the toilet for a number 2 he says 'I'm just off to the poo parlour division'". And she was off, wheezing and choking again. Sacre bleu! I am surrounded by 'les idiots'! (Also, if it's cold, Ellen's hilarious brother says it is 'nippy noodles' - is that meant to be funny? only I forgot to laugh).
05 Feb 2002	Lucy Cortina	"Lesbian Lust 2" In line with my resolution to concentrate on school and not boys I went to do yoga in the school gym at lunchtime. My routine is called 'The Sun Salute' and you stretch up to welcome the sun and then bend down as if to say "I am not worthy". Miss Stamp came in just as I was doing dog pose. "Don't let me disturb you. I'm glad you're taking an interest in yoga, it's very good for the body". Well, I was upside-down with my bottom sticking up in the air. Not something you want to do in front of a lesbian. So I quickly went into cobra but that made it look like I was sticking my breasts out at her. I think she may be growing a beard as well as a moustache. Maybe she's a transexual? Now there's a teribble thought!...
05 Feb 2002	Lucy Cortina	"Call of the wild" We have a cat called Angus. He's a scottish wildcat. He often has these 'Call of the wild' episodes. I remember when we found him... I should've guessed all was not well when I picked him up and he started savaging my cardigan. "He'll die here, he has no mummy or daddy" I pleaded so we could keep him. My dad said "He's probably eaten them". Eventually we brought him home. I didn't realise that he would grow to the size of a labrador, only madder. I used to take him for walks on a lead, but as I explained to Mrs next-door, he ate it. Mrs next-door has complained that Angus stalks her poodle. I explained "He's a wildcat, that's what they do, they stalk their prey". Why doesn't she get a bigger dog? The stupid yappy thing annoys Angus.
04 Feb 2002	Lucy Cortina	"Elvis lives!" We have a school caretaker who we call Elvis. He has that funny hair, u know. He's also one of the most dull men I've ever set my eyes on. Anyway, today I was leaning near Elvis' hut at breaktime. I saw him put on his coat and get his shopping bag... what a wally he looked. I had nothing else to do so I decided to sit in his hut for a while, and enjoy the life of a caretaker. There was nothing much in the hut - a chair, table, a little fridge and some magazines he'd been reading. I sat down and flicked through them... and my jaw nearly dropped off. Because they were naughty magazines, if u know what I mean. Called 'Fiesta' and 'Bad Girls'. One of them was called 'Down your way', and was full of candid photos of readers and their wives in the privacy of their homes. Some of them were so fat!! I flicked through the pages to the centrefold. And it was ELVIS and MRS ELVIS!!!! NAKED!!!!! I couldn't believe it. Elvis naked. Elvis was standing by the kettle naked, pretending to make a cup of coffee and Mrs Elvis was doing the ironing naked!!! I took the mag with me and passed it around the whole class. We were laughing all afternoon, someone only had to say "Fancy a cup of coffee my dear?" and we'd be off again! Elvis knows someone has got his mag but he can't say anything. When he was getting his lunch we all said together "Can I get you a cup of coffee sir?" Hahahahahahaha, ain't life sweet?

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