Date	Name/email Nom/email	What is the best way to kill yourself when you're under 13? Quelle est la meilleure forme de suicide pour les moins de 13 ans?
26 Feb 2002	Lucy Cortina	"Superman" Today the phone rang, and my sister answered it. "Heggo? Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes, listen" I could hear her singing her version of 'Dancing Queen' and there was a banging noise as well - she would be doing the accompanying dance. God help the poor sod on the other end of the phone. "Dancing bean... dancing bean... feel the touch of my tangerine...ine..." It was so loud even Mutti was forced to shut her up. The phone was for me - it was Robbie, my new Sex God boyfriend. I shot downstairs, checking in the mirror at my hair, wanting to put on some make up. OH GOD!!! Am I mad? Sex God doesn't have X ray vision and can't see down the telephone line!
12 Feb 2002	Lucy Cortina	Sacre bleu! Can't a girl get any peace? Not only do I have parents from planet V.Crazy, I have the boss of a suicide website who can't get me out of his head. If you think about it from another point of view, you'll understand! haha. Actually, I've been spending a few days in the ugly home, with a lot of middle aged men smelling of garlic, wearing white coats trying to convince me that I do not need to have plastic surgery like Michael Jackson. They didn't suceed. I now look like a squashed banana. Want a photo?
09 Feb 2002	Lucy Cortina	God I'm bloody bored! Who needs parents? All they do is shout - they need to be put in a loony bin. Sacre bloody bleu and double merde! I'm considering plastic surgery for my uglyness - although if I end up like Michael Jackson then maybe my family would actually notice that I exist!
08 Feb 2002	Lucy Cortina	"Party Time!" Don't ask why, but I went to the party dressed as a stuffed olive (again!). My friend Jane came in a red Britney-Spears-style catsuit. As I got to the front door, Angus (my mad cat) had one of his 'calls of the wild'. As I was passing by as a stuffed olive he leaped from his concealed place behind the curtains (or his lair, as I supposed he imagined it in his cat brain) and attacked my tights or 'prey'. I managed to beat him off with a brush. Dad wouldn't let me walk to the party so I said "What would I be doing walking the streets at night as a stuffed olive... gatecrashing cocktail parties?" Jane smirked but dad got all angry so I went in the car. When I got there I had a horrible time. In a mood of defiant stuffed oliveness I did have a dance by myself, but things kept crashing to the floor around me. The highlight was meeting SP or Sexpot. He is soooooo gorgeous, and I must have him! What's more, he is the older brother of Jane's boyfriend Tim. Sacre bleu. But still, he will be MINE!
07 Feb 2002	Lucy Cortina	"Family - Who needs 'em?" I have a mad uncle called Eddy, who's as bald as a coot. If he says to me one more time "Should bald heads be buttered?" I may kill myself. I felt like yelling @ him "I'm 16 years old! I'm bursting with womanhood, I wear a bra! OK, it's a bit on the loose side and rides up my neck if I run for the bus... but the womanly potential is there, you bald coot!" When I went downstairs, Uncle Eddie had picked up my sister and was dancing around with her. She was singing "Uncle Eggy, Uncle Eggy!", which is quite funny when u think about it. When Uncle Eddie had gone (thank the lord) he actually asked me if I'd like to ride in the sidecar of his motorbike. Are all adults from planet Xenon? What should I have said? "yes certainly, I'd love to go in your pre-war sidecar and with a bit of luck all my friends will see me with some mad, bald bloke, and that'll be the end of my life. Thankyou".
07 Feb 2002	Lucy Cortina	"Les Idiot" Today me & Ellen were sitting in the toilets with our feet against the back of the doors, so that the Hitler Youth (prefects) wouldn't know we were there and send us out into the torrential rain. They call it a 'slight shower'. They'd still say that if the first years were being swept to their deaths by tidal waves, or if Elvis' hut floated by with a flag on the roof. I said to Ellen thru the cubicle wall "Is your brother slightly mad?" I could hear her crunching her crisps. She thought about it. "No, he's quite a laugh, really. He calls going to the toilet 'going to the piddly diddly department'". I could hear her thru the wall, laughing and choking. I just sat there staring at the door. After a bit she controlled herself and said "If he's going to the toilet for a number 2 he says 'I'm just off to the poo parlour division'". And she was off, wheezing and choking again. Sacre bleu! I am surrounded by 'les idiots'! (Also, if it's cold, Ellen's hilarious brother says it is 'nippy noodles' - is that meant to be funny? only I forgot to laugh).
05 Feb 2002	Lucy Cortina	"Lesbian Lust 2" In line with my resolution to concentrate on school and not boys I went to do yoga in the school gym at lunchtime. My routine is called 'The Sun Salute' and you stretch up to welcome the sun and then bend down as if to say "I am not worthy". Miss Stamp came in just as I was doing dog pose. "Don't let me disturb you. I'm glad you're taking an interest in yoga, it's very good for the body". Well, I was upside-down with my bottom sticking up in the air. Not something you want to do in front of a lesbian. So I quickly went into cobra but that made it look like I was sticking my breasts out at her. I think she may be growing a beard as well as a moustache. Maybe she's a transexual? Now there's a teribble thought!...
05 Feb 2002	Lucy Cortina	"Call of the wild" We have a cat called Angus. He's a scottish wildcat. He often has these 'Call of the wild' episodes. I remember when we found him... I should've guessed all was not well when I picked him up and he started savaging my cardigan. "He'll die here, he has no mummy or daddy" I pleaded so we could keep him. My dad said "He's probably eaten them". Eventually we brought him home. I didn't realise that he would grow to the size of a labrador, only madder. I used to take him for walks on a lead, but as I explained to Mrs next-door, he ate it. Mrs next-door has complained that Angus stalks her poodle. I explained "He's a wildcat, that's what they do, they stalk their prey". Why doesn't she get a bigger dog? The stupid yappy thing annoys Angus.
04 Feb 2002	Lucy Cortina	"Elvis lives!" We have a school caretaker who we call Elvis. He has that funny hair, u know. He's also one of the most dull men I've ever set my eyes on. Anyway, today I was leaning near Elvis' hut at breaktime. I saw him put on his coat and get his shopping bag... what a wally he looked. I had nothing else to do so I decided to sit in his hut for a while, and enjoy the life of a caretaker. There was nothing much in the hut - a chair, table, a little fridge and some magazines he'd been reading. I sat down and flicked through them... and my jaw nearly dropped off. Because they were naughty magazines, if u know what I mean. Called 'Fiesta' and 'Bad Girls'. One of them was called 'Down your way', and was full of candid photos of readers and their wives in the privacy of their homes. Some of them were so fat!! I flicked through the pages to the centrefold. And it was ELVIS and MRS ELVIS!!!! NAKED!!!!! I couldn't believe it. Elvis naked. Elvis was standing by the kettle naked, pretending to make a cup of coffee and Mrs Elvis was doing the ironing naked!!! I took the mag with me and passed it around the whole class. We were laughing all afternoon, someone only had to say "Fancy a cup of coffee my dear?" and we'd be off again! Elvis knows someone has got his mag but he can't say anything. When he was getting his lunch we all said together "Can I get you a cup of coffee sir?" Hahahahahahaha, ain't life sweet?
04 Feb 2002	Just a Girl	Dear Everyone: I am sorry. I don't know why I did it, I was depressed for a long time, I didn't want to tell anyone. I hoped someone would notice, no one did. I thought I wanted to die. Now I realize I didn't want to kill all of me just the part that hurt so bad. It wasn't like I thought it would be. I mean I wanted to see everyone cry and talk about how great I was, get a little boost and then come back and say "Hahaha FUCK ALL OF YOU NOW YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ALL THE TIME!" but it wasn't like that. The girls who laughed at me in school... I heard one of them say "Well too bad, so sad, hate to see ya go" then they still laughed, that was the minute I decided they didn't matter at all.... too late. I saw my best friends, who I loved, crying, I still love them but can't let them know. She needed me one day, that's my little sister she needed advise and I wasn't there to give it to her, I still need her too but I'm not here, it's too late. My dog lays on my bed but I can't pet him, I still want to, it's too late. I was on level 9 on my new game and I wanted to beat it, now that doesn't matter, it's too late. My favorite band has a new song out but I can't hear it, it's to late. My Mom made my favorite dinner but I can't eat it now, it's too late. My parents have decided they can't dwell on "it", I have become an "it" to them they are trying to 'forget' me. That's not why I wanted to die, I wanted to make it better not be forgotten. I want to go back and change things. I could have if I was still alive... I didn't believe it then I wish I could have known, it's too late now. Oh well the pain in Death is worse than the pain I felt in life, this is eternal pain without a need for change... there is no God, there is no Heaven or Hell, you are your own God, you decide your own fate, I chose mine. I want to Live. But it's too late for me... But not for you. Love, Just a Girl
03 Feb 2002	Lucy Cortina	"Oops! She did it again" Last night I was sat watching TV with my sister on my knee. Mum came in and said "ohh, you look so sweet together.. I remember when you were that age.. blah blah blah..." Oh god, here we go, the 'How did my little girl get so big?' routine. Sure enough, Mum's eyes got all watery and she started stroking my hair (v.annoying!) and started to say "how did my little girl get so big?" Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on where you were sitting) my sister let off the smelliest, loudest fart known to humanity. It came out with such force that she lifted off my knee - like a hovercraft. Even she looked surprised by what had come out of her. I pushed her off my knee.. Eughhhh!... Grandad farted once when we were out in the street. Really loudly. There was a posh-looking-woman behind him walking her dachshund dog. You know, those little sausage dog things (*). The woman heard grandad's fart (who didn't?) and she said "Well really!!" And grandad said "I'm terribly sorry, madam, I seem to have shot the legs off your dog!" (*)
01 Feb 2002	Lucy Cortina	"Tastes Good" I can already feel myself getting fed up with boys and I haven't had anything to do with them yet. Oh god, please don't make me have to be a lesbian like Hairy Kate or Miss Stamp! (What do lesbians do, anyway?) Ellen and Christy rang from a phonebox. They took turns to speak French accents. Were going for a walk tomorrow, or 'La Marche Avec Mystery'. Have put face mask made from egg yolks on just in case we see any 'les garcons gorgeous' on our walk. It turned out that I blocked the sink with the egg yolk residue. Anyway, I must have fallen asleep with the cucumber slices over my eyes. My sister crept into my room and ate one of the cucumber slices. It gave me a terrible shock to see her face looming over me when I wasn't expecting it. For a minute, I thought the Grim Reaper had come to take me, but no such luck. I got up and cleaned it all off. Welcome to the new more womanly, confident me!!
31 Jan 2002	Lucy Cortina	"Man! I feel like a woman!" 'My dad is a tranny' story: I was looking for tweezers in mum and dad's bedroom. Why mum thought I wouldn't find them in dad's tie drawer, I don't know. I did find something very strange in the tie drawer as well as the tweezers. It was a sort of apron thing in a special box. I hope against hope dad is not a transvestite. It'd be more than flesh and blood could stand if I had to 'understand' his feminine side. And me, mum and my sister have to watch whilst he clatters around in one of mum's nighties and fluffy mules... we'll probably have to start calling him Daphne. I suppose dad was surprised when he came to tackle me about dyeing my hair blond. "At least I'm a real woman!!" I shouted at him. "What in the name of ass is that supposed to mean?" he said. Honestly, he can be so crude sometimes. After dinner, when dad was doing the washing up, I said casually "Why don't you use your special apron, dad?" He went ballistic and said I shouldn't go prying through his drawers. I said "I think I have a right to know if my dad is a transvestite!" Mum laughed, which made him even madder. Mum said "Calm down darling, it's just that it's quite funny to think of you as a transvestite". Then she started laughing again. Dad went off to the pub, thank goodness. Mum said "It's his Masonic apron. You know, that huddly duddly, pulling up one sock, I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine sort of thing". I smiled and nodded, but I haven't the remotest idea what she was talking about.
30 Jan 2002	Lucy Cortina	"Lesbian Lust" Someone farted in assembly this morning (I suspect nauseating P.Green). Whoever it was, it was really loud and it was during the silence we were having to think about all the poor people. And it wasn't just a quick one, it was a real knee trembler. At the moment I'm absolutely frozen. I may have TB. Honestly, Miss Stamp is obviously a sex pervert as well as clearly being a lesbian. Why else would anyone make girls run around in sports knickers hitting a ball with sticks? She calls it hockey - I call it the wanderings of a sick mind. If I miss the party cos of lesbian lust Miss Stamp WILL DIE. SHE WILL DIE. (and I can vouch for that).
29 Jan 2002	Lucy Cortina	"Sisters are doin' it for themselves" Today I went for a walk with my sister in her push chair. She was singing "I am the queen, oh I am the queen". To my absolute shock horror, we bumped into this really hot boy that I fancy. He came over and said Hi. My sister looked casually up at him, and said "I am the queen". He said "Are you?" (ohhh, he's so lovely to children). Then my sister said "Yes, I am the queen and Lucy did a big poo this morning". I couldn't believe it. He could not believe it. It was unbelieveable, that's why! I said quickly "Er, well, I'd better be going". He said "Yes cu later". Thinking quickly I said "See you at Kim's party maybe?" and he said "Maybe". Bloody hell!! Sacre bleu!!
27 Jan 2002	Lucy Cortina	"Neighbours" We have 2 neighbours. One of them I call 'The Sea Monster'. All she does all day is shout. She's also ugly and wears tartan, and needs to visit the ugly home with me. The other neighbour I call 'The Bore'. He lives alone, he likes opera music and gardening. He seems to have a relationship with his garden plants (although I dont know if it is sexual). Once a month, he covers his garden with, what I presume are the contents of his toilet. The smell is awful! Eughh. Also, I suspect my mum is having an affair with him. She pops round to his house every few days, taking doughnuts for him. Ahhh!!! What if he becomes my stepdad??? Why can't the neighbours commit suicide? PLEASE LORD!
27 Jan 2002	Lucy Cortina	It's like this. I've decided that I'm going to make regular posts on this website. And to be honest, suicide is far too boring so I'm gonna try and cheer up you people, and make you realise that life is worth living. And I'm gonna put a title to my posts. "I use it to keep my balls still" > At school, my teacher (not the lesbian) was illustrating a point with the aid of some billiard balls on a tea towel on his desk. So I put my hand up and asked him: "What part does the tea towel play in the molecular structure?" This is when he made his fateful mistake - he said "Ah no, I merely use the tea towel to keep my balls still". It was pandemonium. I could not stop laughing! So you see, if you feel suicidal just get a video of Friends or somethin and have a laugh. Life isn't so bad!
27 Jan 2002	Renegade-X	MY MISSION FOR GOD When I was under 13, I threatened suicide to my parents by drinking petroleum solvents. But they convinced me not to, for I would get sick first, so I abandoned the idea. Then when I was 11 1/2, I tried electrocuting myself, but still, my efforts were futile. My suggestion to you is if you can't find a GOOD WAY TO KILL YOURSELF, then you should wait until your a little older, for there will be a lot better creative opportunities available. I'm now just 3 days from turning 18 and I am scheduled to die this summer. I'm was or still am a self-mutilator, I have a developing psychotic disorder, as my pussy-ass shrink says. I have been treated for years, but nothing helps. I also have Asperger's Syndrome (an autistic spectrum disorder), which is why no motherfucker can ever understand me. But now, I've realized what kind of person I am. I am older and wiser, but my life is still going to hell. So I want to die now! For if I don't, I'll drift more into insanity and probably soon end up in a mental hospital again, like last year when I tried overdosing on Advils while in school. I will be doing this in the name of God, for it will maybe lessen the corruption of today's society. But mostly, I want it to have a great effect on my family, because of the suffering they have inflicted upon me. Especially my step-mom, who's been abusive to me for most of my childhood. Even though she's a very religious Jew, the fat, ugly bitch still doesn't understand the act of kindness. She entitles her daughter, my stepsister every right in the house, while posing so many restrictions on me. Hopefully, my horrible death will cause emotional harm to my entire family, including my mother, for divorcing my father, and my father, for remarrying to that chicken-head. Another reason why I'm doing this is because I feel that the world is coming to an end, especially after the September 11 incident, I feel that there is nothing left in this world for me. Since I was 11 1/2, I had such a huge interest in aviation and I've always wanted to learn how to fly. But now, after I heard about how a handful of highly motivated terrorists could turn 4 civilian airliners into guided buzz-bombs loaded with Jet-A, I feel like I've lost all my pleasures in life. There is nothing left! It's not just the Islamic militants, Neo-Nazis, drunks, drug abusers, other psychotic maniacs (like the mother who drowned her children in the bathtub), criminals, and other lowlifes that I blame for taking everything away from all of us. It's the entire human population that fucks everything up, ever-since Adam bit into the forbidden fruit. Ever-since the serpent convinced him to perform that first sin. Before the Hebrews could be led into the Land of Israel, they were given 2 choices, to sign a covenant, agreeing that they would, for life, follow all of God's commandments. If not, they were to walk the desert for 40 years. Self, annihilation as it says, is condemned in Judaism and Christianity. I totally have no belief in this because I know that in my heart that this is only a man-made law that some self-proud imbecile inscribed in the Holy Torah, or wherever else. I, for certain, do not believe that God ever condemned suicide, saying that he, the omni-present, the King of the Universe, can only be the arbitrator of who will and will not pass from this earth. He only mentioned that Thou Shall Not Kill another man. He never mentioned that Thou Shall not take your own life, for he has left that up to us. As God created man, he had entitled everyone in that form to receive, love, pain, happiness, grief, sorrow, anger, envy, and disease and punishment. But most of all, he gave us all free will. A free will to do anything. But we all have abused this privilege by committing murder, theft, sex crimes, and pain among the helpless and feeble souls. If this is how we are to live, then we show God that we hate him and his creation, for wanting to live as a human being is a sin. I'd say because of this, it would make God more secure if we all killed ourselves. Pride is one of the 7 deadly sins around. The Jews and Christians and others are a rogue religious group comprised of nations and organizations who take pride in who they are and tend to preserve their traditions and sinful legacies. They condemn suicide because they want to fight against what is right for humanity. What I believe in is a healthy way to remove the tumors of this society. I kind of have the mind of Young Goodman Brown, huh? I have no pride in who I am, because I know that I am part of the sinful nation and that I must be punished, for I must redeem myself. At this very moment, my skin crawls with maggots and lice, because I'm an ugly-looking four-legged animal called a human being. The Jews and Christians and others, take too much pride in themselves, thinking that they make up the good of the people. No fancy clothes, jewelry, cunning personality, or generosity will ever hide from me who they really are, for they all and everyone who doesn't follow the right path of salvation is part of the sinful nation and is doomed to the eternal fire. If they all had the mind like me, they'd all grab a box cutter and carve a mark on their foreheads so when onlookers pass by them, they'd know who they really are. God gave us free will in order for us to do the right thing, not to kill others in cold blood. He truly welcomes suicide as a healthy way to cleanse a nation of its sins. Even though it may anger him, he still shows love and compassion to those who have no where to turn. I have chosen the best way to die. I'm 18 now and as mentioned before. If you want to die right, you must be patient and wait for the right window of opportunity. As for me, I now have legal access to a hunting rifle or a shotgun. Even before when I was still a minor, I was able to purchase two high-powered CO2 air pistols with no problem. But I will not attempt to kill myself with them because they do not have enough power to inflict serious damage, but it'll cause me more pain and if not for any internal bleeding, it'll take days for me to die of lead poisoning and I'd probably just end up in a hospital bed. If you want to die right and do not have a criminal record, do what I will do. I will go to the nearest Dick's Sporting Goods store and purchase a 12 gauge shotgun (a good one like a Mossberg Trophy with a cool scope). I'll have to sneak it into the house somehow; maybe by throwing it up on the roof so that I can fish it from my bedroom window. If my parents find out, they'll tear my ass up so bad. But I'll find the best time to purchase it by finding out what day they'll go out shopping. I'll ask if I can borrow one of their cars, and if they agree, then I have a shot. There is no other safe way to transport the fucker, so sticking it in the trunk and driving home is the only fastest and legal way to get it without risking the fucking cops. When it's time for me to die, I will make sure that my parents are out of the house shopping or something else. I will discharge their cell-phone batteries so they can't call for help when they get back. I will take all my shit to the backyard, where there's concrete foundation that's used for the deck. That will be used for my cremation pyre. I will cut the phone lines and use an axe to smash the telephone interface box so that communications will be cut off. Finally, I will douse myself in gasoline and light a match, causing myself to go up in flames. And at last, I will stick the shotgun barrel in my mouth, making sure that the muzzle makes positive contact with the upper palate and pull the trigger. The ammo I'll use will be 12 GA. Copper Sabots, to ensure that my skull explodes instantly, spilling my brains and shit all over the wall of the house while my stepsister's grandmother watches helplessly from the window. I can imagine that my funeral will be just like the one for Mathew Feiner, a kid in our community who killed himself. I heard that he ODd on pills, put a bag over his head and blew his brains out with his pistol. One thing that makes no sense to me is him putting that bag over his head , even though he knew he was going to put a hole in it. Even though I cried over his death that Saturday night even though I didn't know who the guy was, I praise him for what he was done. I've seen how his death had sent a shockwave throughout the whole community. First his family, then our school, even though he didn't go there. I am truly proud of him, for he really set an example for us. I just can't wait to meet him when my time comes. In the meantime, my family will be chanting, "Yisgadal v'yiskadash sh'mei rabbah." Oh, and to all You motherfuckers who do not respect our goals and try to turn us away from our deeds of self-annihilation, well Fuck You! We don't care about your bullshit suggestions. You may think you're trying to help, but your not. You're the ones who make our lives horrible and you rob us of our freedom. You are the bullies who torment us in school. Fuck you assholes! Fuck you! You can't stop us from killing ourselves. No matter how many rude comments or any help suggestions you add to this site, you can't stop us. We are One. We will increase and our bodies will clog the cemetery grounds. We are many, we are star-crossed. We are powered by the will of thanatopsis and YOU LITTLE SHITS ARE NOTHING! I suggest that ya'll should log off now and instead, go fuck yourselves with a bag over your heads so that YOU ALL WILL DIE like the rest of us. But if you're too chicken, why don't ya'll take a sledge-hammer and smash your modems into pieces so that you can never go on this site and bother us again with your lame-ass excuses for living in hell! No one will try to stop me from killing myself. Just a note to any of you who try to impede my goal. If you're a teacher, my parent, or any other bitch, don't you ever, I mean ever get into my way! For if you do, I will seriously fuck up your mind and physical being so bad, that you will wish that God made you without testicles. I mean it! If you ever step onto my property, I will handcuff you to the fence that makes up the perimeter of my backyard, and beat you up with the butt of my shotgun. Then, I will make you watch me kill myself. You will even taste my blood and brains as they splatters everywhere. You'll be a live witness to my suicide. And to any police who'll try the same. You may have sent me to the hospital last time. I've spent 9 fucking days locked up because of you, PIGS! You may think you've won, but this time, I'll be ready and I'll execute my plan. DON'T EVER INTERLOPE! Remember, I will have all my guns with me all the time and I can and will use deadly force at all times. Do not come near my house. I will keep my scanner on at all times and I have all the police frequencies programmed. I'm as good as dead, so it'll do no good trying to save me. If you come into my property, I will take one of you out with my shotgun and the other one of you will have to shoot me back. If you do, please try to hit me in the heart or the head so that I'll die instantly.. That's supposed to be your role as a law officer. You're nothing but a couple of Nazis who make it hard for everyone else. I hope you all die and go to hell, fuckers! P.S. If any of you are like me, can you please e-mail me at: renegadexists@hotmail.com I've always wanted to hold a conversation with someone who's gone through the same shit as I had.
26 Jan 2002	Lucy Cortina	I just discovered that my sister has used the last of my sanitary towels to make hammocks for her dolls. AHHHHHHHHH! I'm as close as ever to suicide!!
26 Jan 2002	Lucy Cortina	There are 8 things wrong with my life: 1. I have one of those under-the-skin spots that will never come to a head but lurk in a red way for the next 2 years. 2. It is on my nose. 3. I have a 3-year-old sister who may have peed somewhere in my room. 4. I am very ugly and need to go to an ugly home. 5. I went to a party dressed as a stuffed olive. 6. My teacher is a lesbian. 7. She makes us go jogging in the cold in our gym knickers. 8. I suspect my dad is a transvestite. (I found a pink apron in his bedroom) * If you want a form of suicide, try walking a mile in my shoes. You will soon think of plenty of good ideas.

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