Date	Name/email Nom/email	What is the best way to kill yourself when you're under 13? Quelle est la meilleure forme de suicide pour les moins de 13 ans?
02 Aug 2004	x the kid	people always ask "what's the point of life?" well i've finally figured it out: death. i think that death is the most glorious part of life. i am an attention seeking person. i love to get attention. one time, i was anorexic just so people would try to force feed me. of course i gave it up after a few weeks when i was tired of that certain type of attention. then, my best friend (or so i thought) for 3 years accused me of faking anorexia just for the attention. that got me pissed off. she blocked me on aim and avoided me in school. i hated her for it, and i still do. she says i'm a horrible person. so that got me depressed. although what she said was true, what kind of friend is that who accuses her friend of faking trouble? what if it was real and i was really suffering? well i've realized faking stuff doesn't get you much attention. then lately, my boyfriend started igoring me. i don't really think i'm an attractive girl, and it's hard for me to get anyone interested in me. this is my first real relationship, and i love him very much. being the romantic that i am, i live for love, and i think love is the only reason why we are alive. but my parents don't allow me to date. until college probably. but i can't wait until then. right now, i have absolutely no freedom. i'm not allowed to see my boyfriend, and i'm not even allowed to ride with my friends home from school. i have to take the stupid bus that takes up so much time of my day. i'm in this advanced magnet school and i am also in marching band so time is a precious thing. i also love to hang out with my friends and just be with my boyfriend. but my parents don't allow me to do so. so my boyfriend, finally realizing that we can never go on a parentally approved date (we always sneak around), decided that he doesn't want me anymore. he doesn't talk to me anymore and changed his screen name just so i can't reach him. it angers me. the last time we saw each other, we were still close. all the sudden, he just decided that i'm not worth all the energy required of sneaking around. he was the perfect boyfriend. he wasn't afraid to show me that he loved me, and he always did all those sweet stuff. plus, he showed up right when i was about to give up on life. then recently, a girl from my school died of meningitis. everyone had her in their profile and claimed her such a great person. people dedicated away messages and xanga/livejournal entries to her. she wasn't even that great of a student. so i realized that if i killed myself, then i would get all the attention i want. just knowing how many people would be sad, how pitiful they'd think it is that such a girl with so much potential and talent would take her life. i have decided that i won't be able to take the next two years living just for school work and practicing flute. that's just not the way i work. i'm a sociable person, and i like to go out. not being able to do that is worth than death for me. i know if i push through the next few years, i would be able to do all that i want, but then i don't feel like dealing with the stress and pressure of applying for college and then trying to find a job and stuff. and i always worry myself to death, what people think of me, what college to go to, what to major in. so after i've decided that i will commit suicide, that burden had been taken off my back. so my suicide is going to be like a dream wedding for most little girls. i'm going to plan it perfectly. i'm hoping to go through with it in the next few months. i'm planning to act like everything is fine, and i will still take the sats and psats so nobody will suspect a thing. i will work hard at my flute, so it's even more talent lost. i will be obedient and never rebel with my parents. so when i die, it will be this wonderful kid lost. nobody would've guessed, and everyone would be 10x sadder. i'm still not sure how i'm gonig to carry out my suicide. i want to wear something elaborate, write everyone letters and stuff. just make it all dramatic. i'm so glad i've made the decision to die. i just don't have to worry or be afraid anymore. the last couple of months of my life, i'll live it to the greatest. i'm going to pretend, because the real me is already dead, but i will enjoy everything i love before i die... then the greatest day of my life, my death, will come and i will receive the attention i've always wanted, and i will be glorified...
28 Jul 2004	steve f	every day is exactly the same. the emptiness. the grief. the regret. the self-loathing. the denial; the realization.
27 Jul 2004	SARAH	THERE IS NO BEST WAY TO KILL YOURSELF U JUST HAVE TO DO IT. IM THIRTEEN AND I HAVE A FUCKED UP LIFE FULL OF DRUGS I CANT STAND IT WHEN I WAS 4 MONTHS OLD MY DAD WENT TO PRISON FOR SMUGGLING HE WENT IN FOR TEN YEARS AND I HAVE AN OLDER SIS WHO IS PRETTY FUCKED UP TOO SHE WAS FIVE WHEN MY DAD WENT IN. WE LOST ALL OF OUR MONEY SO MY MOM HAD TO GET TWO JOBS AND WHEN MY SISTER GOT OLDER SHE DID A LOT OF SHIT AND WHEN I WAS FIVE YEARS OLD I HAD A KNIFE TO MY HEART READY TO DIE BUT I DIDNT WANT TO HURT MY MOM WHEN I WAS 9 MY DAD GOT OUT OF PRISON AND HE GOT DEPORTED AND MY SISTER WAS FACIN TEN YEARS IN JUVE AND 2 YEARS OF PRISON BUT SUM HOW MY DAD GOT HER OUT AND WE ALL HAULD ASS TO CANADA AND THATS WHEN SHIT GOT PRETTY BAD I STARTED SMOKIN WEED AND MY PARENTS WERE DOIN COKE AND WE LIVED 10 MINUTES AWAY FROM THE PERSON WHO MALESTED ME WHEN I WAS 5 OR SIX AND I NEVR TOLD MY PARENTS UNTILL LAST NITE AND I TOLD THEM HOW I FELT AND HOW ONE DAY I WILL KILL MYSELF,YA I STILL HAVE DREAMS ABOUT WHAT I WANNA DO IN THE FUTURE BUT I WONDER Y I DREAM IF I WANNA KILL MY SELF I'VE BEEN HURTING MY SELF FROM SINCE I WAS 5 AND NOBODY CARED IM THIRTEEN NOW AND IM REALLY DEPRESSED I CUT MY ARMS ALL THE TIME AND LET PEOPLE KNO WAT IM DOIN SO THEY UNDERSTAND THAT IM NOT FUCKIN AROUND I THINK ABOUT KILLING MY SISTER ALL THE TIME I HATE SHE HATES ME I GET YELLED AT EVERY DAY AND I DONT KNO WHY.IM SO FUCKING CONFUSED ABOUT MY LIFE AND THAT WHY I DONT THINK ITS WORTH LIVIN IF EVRY ONE HAS THEIR BACK TURNED ON U THERES NO POINT OF LIVING IF UR A FAILURE LIKE ME .AND WHEN I EVER BET MY HANDS ON A GUN IM GOIN TO BLOW MY FUCKING BRAINS OUT RITE IN FRONT OF MY FAMILY TO MAKE THEM RELIZE THAT THEY DROVE ME TO THE POINT WHERE I WANNA KILL MYSELF AND IT WILL KILL THEM INSIDE AND THEN THEY WILL FELL LIKE I DO NOW,DEPRESSED,NO POINT OF LIVING,VIOLATED,HURT,WITH TEARS IN THEIR EYES MAKING EVERY THING SEEM LIKE IT WAS THEIR FAULT I KILLED MY SELF.
24 Jul 2004	mel	The best way to kill yourself... to speak truthfully there is no best way.The best way would be to die painless but its not gonna happen. First of all why do you want to die?? Are you depressed or do you just see no point to going on in this world?? I myself think both, what is the point of living?? Is it to achieve and prosper or is it for other reasons to fall in love maybe? Ill tell you about my life and if you still want to die go ahead and kill yourself go 6 foot under its not my prob but dont expect to go to a better place. My mum and dad are always fighting theres alot of yeling and punching going on in my life. My mum just kept on going back to him for 14 long years , tormenting herself and her three kids, because of this fighting my brother is now on these tablets called epilum,theyre mood stabilisers.He is really aggressive, he is so aggressive that he stabbed me in the leg, i had to get stitches and if he had hit for inches up it would of killed me. He has done armed robbery,and robbed servos and liquor stores. He luckily was sentenced ith 18 months probation. he is also a self mutilator. My little sister is 9 and she is the happiest person in the world.shes to young to understand what happens around her so she isnt as screwed as me and my bro. She was there when my bro stabbed me, she saw my leg pouring out blood, she saw me screaming in pain, she saw me go in the ambulance and she was there for the 4 hours i was at the cop shop. she sees it when my mum hits me and slams my head into walls continuously. shes there for everything and i hate myself for that. My dad hits my bro he yells at me my sis is the apple of his eye. hes a drug fucked cunt. he fucked his half sister for 6 months while we were living with him. he has perved on me in the shower. i have so many scars. You may think that is not so bad, but i lived it, it was traumatising. im depressed and in every way im dead except physically. i dont kill myself only because of my little sis. she is he light of my day. so plz think of the consequences of suicide.
18 Jul 2004	North carolina kid	I'm only 14 now and my life has been pretty good. I mean my parents have a happy marriage and they're supportive. I've never had to go through anything too tough. Nothing like some of the posts that have been put here. But I've always been a very bleak person. As I was growing up my father took in his parents to live with us. They were going to help around the house and my parents would in-turn take care of them. Well my grandmother and my Grandfather never got along. I always remember them fighting. And it was always over the stupidest things. They would just start with raised voices until it became full out yelling. Well I think they moved in when i was 3 or 4. Well that was 10 years ago. In that 10 years my grandfather lost both of his legs and went through four strokes in the course of a year. But he stayed with us the whole time. He had to have been one of the most stubborn people I have ever known. This made helping him in his condition much harder. Well my grandmother wouldn't put up with it. Her health was also failing but that didn't seem to stop the fighting. Except now she was the one that yelled and my grandpa could only sit, watch, and think. He had to learn to talk again. Well he died in 98 i think and since then my grandmother has only been venting her anger on my father, mother, and myself. She was always pissed about something. Well she just faded and faded until she died. Actually that was just a month ago. I feel kinda happy she's gone but I mean she was my grandmother and she wasn't all bad. I guess i do miss her but now my parents and i can live by ourselves. Well my father is a portrait painter and was successful until we had to start taking care of my grandpa. Now he's trying to salvage his career. It's like starting from scratch and he's 50. I can't imagine how bad it must be for him. He's a manic/depressive to add to the problems. Well my mother has been supporting our family with her job for as long as i can remember. And it's starting to get to her. She's more depressed than i think she lets on. And that pains me. I have to admit though that things are looking up. And I have no idea what im doing here. But i can't seem to escape being sad. I'm always depressed. My friends are there for me and they try to help. I appreciate the effort but they just seem to make things worse. I just feel like i want to get away from them every time they get near me. Then to top it off I fell in love with this girl. (i mean i think i love her. I wouldn't know off hand. It's not like i can compare it to anything) But i know it wasn't just a fling. Well we dated for almost 2 years. And i enjoyed her company and she always made me feel better. Then she decides that she wants to move on. Ironically she broke up with me on the same day that my grandma died.... And she couldn't even tell me in person. She wrote me an email. That hurt. Just like so many other things i just let her go. What's the point in fighting it. It's her decision and i want her to be happy, with or with out me. Well, i've never been religious and I don't believe in an after life. The thought of going to a never ending, dreamless sleep consumes my waking moments. I wonder if death is more calm than life. Cause life is just tedious. It doesn't seem to have the fabled silver lining that every dark cloud should have. I want to be a painter like my father. To strike out on my own. But what's the point if life is going to be this bleak. I've been an on and off cutter for 2 years now. I blame it on accidents like if im making dinner ill cut my palm. Or i fell in school. Or some shit. I don't even know why i do it. It seems like the pain kinda wakes me up. It breaks up the monotony of my every day routine. I have considered suicide on a few counts. But i've never tried anything. I guess how much my parents care about me stops me from doing anything serious to myself. I guess i'm just tired of life. I hate waking up in the morning and getting ready to go to my fucking high school. To look at the same stupid jocks walk the halls and try to impose superiority on all my peers. I mean not all of our generation is like that but those people ruin my day. I don't get picked on in school but it's just a depressing place. I do well in my classes and every one seems to think i have this wonderful potential for my future. I just don't see it. Every day I feel more and more alone and every one's attempts to cheer me up just seem stupid. I don't want to push them away but i always do and i don't know why. I wonder if death can bring peace. But I know i would leave a life behind. And i know that too many people would be hurt. I do think that suicide is selfish, and I don't think i will ever be able to go that big step and just take my own life. Even if it does enter my thoughts a lot. But i could see how a lot of people just stop caring. I wonder if i'm there. I haven't felt emotionally sturred in so long i feel dead already any way. But I do find purpose in helping my friends if they have a problem. And I still love art. I'm sorry for taking up the space this meaningless post takes. It basically begins and ends in the same place. I guess i'm on an eternal fence. I can never make up my mind. I don't believe in a god but I think my conscience won't let me do it. For those resolved in killing themselves, I hope you find the calm you're seeking. I can only hope i can find it in life cause i guess i don't have the courage to just end it. For any who listens, thank you. I guess it helps to write this. No body who hasn't had the same thoughts would understand.
09 Jul 2004	Mortician's Bread/Butter	People tend to start this form out by stating their age and other useless information... I won't be doing that because it doesn't matter. Either way I'll be dead soon and that realization actually has me in a peaceful state of mind. I vaguely remember a me that had hopes and dreams, aspirations if you will. It's been so long I can't even remember what those dreams were. Funny huh? Well, those are gone now. So gone. Little by little I've gotten to the point where I don't care. Before it was my family that kept me alive, now it doesn't even matter. I don't have anything I feel is worth living for. Not a career, not my family, not even the prospect of future happiness. I guess you could say I've become numb to these sort of notions. Lately, the only thing that can get any sort of reaction out of me is Death. I think I was just born an unhappy child. I've been trying to destroy myself for as long as I can remember. I've been cutting away at my skin, layer by layer, since I was 12. However, my happiest memory of self mutilation was before that, when I 9. I liked the feel of getting burned even then and my momma had the iron out... well, basically I put the hot iron on my foot. To this day my parents think that was an accident. Then came the cigarettes. I've never used an ashtray and never will. It's much easier to put it out on your arms or legs. However, my father doesn't share the same opinion so I don't smoke with him anymore. So I guess you could say I like pain. It feels nice, and theres some sort of satisfaction in seeing the wound heal. Anyway, that used to get me through the day as well, but even that has lost it's flavor. Well, seeing as I ended up talking about myself I will answer the questions at hand: What's the best way to kill yourself(at any age)? Take enough Coricidan C (over-the-counter cold medicine) to numb yourself out, back it up with the cheapest bottle of scotch you can find and after that kicks in your good to go. This will enable you to get the cojones to attempt suicide and at the same time you will feel nothing. Try cutting your veins, you won't feel a thing. Or jump from the tallest building you can find, that'll work. As for me, I'm going to numb myself out, put on my prettiest dress, jump in the pool, and cut my veins. I wish I could see it from a third person point of view. I wish I could watch myself bleed to death. What a pretty sight that would be. A pale figure floating on ice water, looking up at the sky as if waiting for redemption. The blue slowly turning red as I bleed to death. It's a very comforting image. Well, that's all I really want to say except, there are those who where born to fight all their lives because they feel that they may be able to accomplish something worthwhile in this world. There are those who live life because they don't know what else to do, because it's what's expected of them. Then there's me: A soul who was born weary of life, who doesn't see the possibilities or the "good" in the future. Someone who can't fight the good fight because all she sees is a bleak existence and pain... lots of it. It's the type of person who can handle all the physical pain in the world, but none of the mental anguish.
08 Jul 2004	fuckingdickhead arsehole cockidiotbitch dickfucking dtoitretardb	I truly wish someone could help me with this... In a way they do, and for that i thank mouchette and her sight... but as one person I talk with said they can only help me as much as they can, they can't stop the world from turning around. I don't know why I am writing this, to tell the truth. These past few days have been hard and there's something I need to get off my chest.. i don't know. I was never close to my father... he's three-to-four times my age (I'm seventeen), and when I grew up he seemed so old and out of touch with the world that we never became close. I have so many perfect brothers and sisters anyway. But recently he has tried to help me so much. I love him. I don't care. He offers to pay for things that he doesn't believe in, he fakes interest in my school work just to help me along, he really tries and to me that's what counts. That counts more than anything else in the world. It doesn't matter that he's out of touch. I love him and we are truly 'friends' dispite all the fucked things that I've done. But that bring me to the worst thing. I've recently stolen his c.c. detail and I spent so much money over the net... I don't even know why I did it.. I just did. And then I did it again. And again, and again and again. I know all the love and trust that we have built up will be destroyed, just by this one thing. No, I take that back, because it's not just 'one' thing.. man, i don't know why, but I seem to fuck up every time. And every time I think that somehow I'm smarter or "better" than I was before.. of course, I'm not, i don't even need to add that really. You know all the things I mean; doing drugs, hanging wiht the cool people, all that crap. And now just at hte point when I begining to realise how truly valuable the few things I have left really are I go and fuck it up completely again. What THE FUCK is wrong with me?! I feel tear burning at my eyes, not out of self pity, but for the one truly beutiful thing I have and the fact I'm going to lose it. I have to run away, but that will hurt him even more. I don't know what to do... I wish.. i don't know. I truly wish I had some idea of what to do, but I know it's only time before he finds out and then I'll have to run and leave forever, and I know in my heart that once I do that I'll never come back. Damnit, I don't mean to sound so fucking melodramtic, it's just for me personally depression and everything didn't matter when I didn't have anything to lose. But now I do it's a billion times worse than I've ever imagined. It's like nothing else I've known... I don't know. Sometimes the right words just don't come.
08 Jul 2004	angel of darkness	im 13 years as i write this, but when anyone reads this ill be 14. when some people think about their b-day---a party starts to form in their head. thats only some. for me- when i saw my b-day on the calender i thought- 'oh great, another shitty year come and gone'. for how long ive been thinking this--well i really dont know. there may only be 13 years under my belt--but i still know more of some things than others. well let me tell you why im writing all this. when i was-oh about 3 years- my parents divorced after countless fights and arguments. my mom had full custody of me--my dad was an alcoholic/drugie. one day- i think it was close to christmas- mom said i ws never going to see her again- boy she was right. she put me up for adoption. my life has been hell ever since. some old lady adopted me. all she ever did was sleep, eat and yell. then one day she brought me to the store- i was about 5 or so- she left me for a while in the toy aisle. then this guy came up to me-took me outside and- oh i bet you can guess what happens next- he raped me in his car. he brought me to a local orphanage and said he found me on the streets. a few weeks later this fairly rich lady adopts me. i had the time of my life with her- until she got married to this drugged up fucking son of a bitch. whenever she would go out he would make me his 'slave for a day'. if i didnt do something right- he hit me- whether it be with the back of his hand or a baseball bat. after about 2 years the chic puts me up for adoption. then another old lady adopts me. i live with her until she dies- then i go live with her son who has a wife and 2 snot assed kids. i became socially isolated at the age of 8. ive lived with this family until about a year ago. although these last few years have been better than usual, the pain wont go away. 2 years ago is when i joined the unfortunate cutters society. everyday i would take a knife and dig it into my skin until it bled. why do you ask? because i need to feel the scream inside of me-i need to see the blood drop to the floor. one day i just decided to die. i wrote a note in which it said that i was sorry for leaving if anyone truly cared and that i slit my wrists. of course- the one min. out of the years that someone comes into my room just has to be then. they rush me to the ER. i was in there for a few months while i recovered. i did that 1 more time. the other 2 times i slit my throat and stabbed myself in the stomach. each time someone found me before i could die. now i write to you in a psychiatric ward. here i get to talk to a counsellor 2 times a day. im able to talk to the people here cause they know what its all like. and after about a month here ive been thinking. after 4 times or so of trying to kill myself- something much more powerful and mysterious has kept me here. why? i dont know. but i have found out that everyone has some sort of purpose- small or big. like this one very scared (of everything) boy down the hall tells me almost everytime i see him- everyday i thank god that youre there for me to talk to- and honestly it brings tears to my eyes after thinking about how much i can help him. that small of a thing is my purpose for now. and maybe one day all of humanity can find the inner peace that some have already found. life is a constant adventure that will never end. i hope none of you go through the shit i did. and if you do- just remember that there's always someone else in your corner too.
05 Jul 2004	Vincent	Since everyone else is telling they're stories, ill tell mine, to get some burdon off. Since none of you know me personaly, this will be remarkably easy compared to talking to a friend. I never thought that i would become suicidal, i mean, i always said to myslef, there's always hope for happieness, and i belived it. But just recently, within the past 2 weeks, i've started to lose all the happieness that i once found in things, people and life in general. I used to like anime, games, and more, but none of that makes me happy anymore. About a month ago my friend had friends that i didnt hang out with, and i became friends with her, her name is Jessica, and shes the most beautiful, fun, amazing person i've ever met. i mean, we're so much alike, and im not thinking unrational here, we really are. And, well, i ahve a twin brother, and i've been competing with him for my whole life, and im sick of it. Me and him used to be fat, well, he isnt, hes skinny now, and running and weight lifting. Me, im starting to lose weight and looking better. The thing is, its ironic, because, just when things in life seem to be looking up (becoming friends with Jessica, losing weight, and other things) i start to get depressed. Last time at my friends hoouse, i ended up going in my friends basement and just sitting there in the dark, thinking, being depressed, away from the 4 other friends in the house and my twin that i hate to the point of thinking of killing him. but i dont think i will. Myself if anyone. She came looking for me, she noticed that i was acting different, not happy, talking, and being with everyone else. She asked me what was wrong and i told her Nothing was, and she naturally knew something was. If i was closer friends with "D" my best friend, i could tell him my problems, but because of my lack of trust in people, i dont tell him anything about the real me, inside. She wants to help me, but i wont let her, i cant. How can i tell her that i love her, when shes flirting with my bro? I cant, and wont. But im not gonna go blaming my probs on the world, its no one elses fault except my own. If i do try suicide, im gonna do the wrists, i've been looking up the right ways of doing it online, and i like that way. Sounds, so, nice comepared to pills. I found THE most beautiful pick recently, titled "Sucicide" heres the site, Http://www.irresponsiblepictures.net/artpages/suicide.htm Its the most beautiful thing ive seen. Sad, beautiful, and amazing at the same time. you prbably dont understand me, but oh well. I dont know if i'm gonna do it. I might. I dont think you should kill yourself if your considering doing it, but, its your decision. I cant stop you, im a hypocrit. If you want to know good ways, just go to a search engine, and type "Suicide+effective+ways" and you should get plenty of ways.
29 Jun 2004	Tom	With "life", it's good to achieve things, certainly, and to be a success, meet all the pressures the world puts on you... but I also really think that you don't need to be "justified" by success to be allowed to exist. Think of flowers... people like them, we see beauty and innocence in them... they're harvested, sold, drawn, photographed, "consumed" and valued by our society. But think of the millions of wild flowers that exist out in the world that no one will ever see, no one "consumes" or ever knows about. This doesn't make them useless. They are perfectly allowed to exist, to be what they are without any justification. They're free to breathe and grow and "be" for their own sake. I'm not trying to say human life is exactly the same, but I think it does form a significant element of our existence. This is not just a concession for "losers", it's a fact of life and don't think the most successful person will feel complete unless they realise this to at least some degree. I'm sure you'll find "reasons" and "uses" one day. You probably already have a few... but you've got all the time you want to wait, to see. Time can drag on and seem so slow, and then all of a sudden things are changing really quickly. I don't know if this helps, but as an example: When I was 21 I was on social security, doing kind of humiliating "work for the dole" government programs. I didn't have an tertiary qualifications that made me employable (had done a certificate in IT for a year). I just couldn't do anything, I was going no-where. I scraped into uni the next year, managed to do ok with marks for once (a big change from high-school!), and then ended up with an industry placement. My employer now pays my university fees and gives me a wage, has moved me half way across the country, pays for flights to here and there. Soon I'll be finished my degree and have experience in an industry where I can expect earn quite a lot of money (not that that is the most important thing). What's more, I'm actually glad in a way that I spent some time down in the dumps in no-mans-land, because I can relate to people like yourself a little, and when I tell the little "success story", I can actually feel 100% sincere. Things did get better for me... and I had gone as far as writing the goodbye note. I've realised that time is rarely wasted - you always learn something, even if that is "merely" what it feels like to fail, how hopeless it can be. Best of luck, Tom
28 Jun 2004	You Don't Need to Know	When I was a teeny little child I was molested by my dad. Yep, then told mom and the children's aid society came and aided me. Soon however, since my mom's a selfish, religous, and stupid person. I almost ended up on the street. But anyways then soon she got married to this bastard and he was always accusing me of being a slut and useless. All this shit lead to him choking me and almost killing me, only to have my mom come home and not believe me. Then I found myself a boyfriend who loves me dearly, only to have me cheat on him and end up having a group of girls on my ass, threatening to kick my ass and kill me and such. I was hit on a couple occasions. Anyways, then my school grades started to drop and I almost failed everything, only to fail everything the next year. All through my senoir years-grades 11 and 12-I was picked on everyday being called a slut and hoe and such til one day I dropped out. Ya very sad anyways I've been seeing a shrink for the last 2 years and it helped a little. I've tried to kill myself three times. But now I just smoke pot and drink and do other drugs and sleep in everyday. I don't talk to a lot of people and now I'm not so depressed. Because people disappoint you and drugs make you happy. This is the answer.
28 Jun 2004	"jimmie"	i have only read the first page of responses and already i am envious of you all. i wish i knew the reason(s) for my suicidal ideations as many of you seem to. i don't hate my family, i love them and i know they love me. i am not truely alone and my presence does not hurt the ones i love. i wish i had the answers that many of you seem to have to your feelings of worthlessness and isolation. many of you know the cause of you worries, which means you know what to fix. i don't know what is broken in me. i don't know where to begin the repairs. all i know is the gloom that lingers above me. the fog that permiates my mind and the clouds that shadow my sun. i am going to be 24 this year, am a fulltime college student and full time nurse (on a psych unit). for those of you who are younger than me and who seem to have incite into your depression and suicidal ideations, take them seriously. do not wait to get help when you are older it will be harder to fix. fix the problems, no matter how complicated they may be for you are the lucky ones you have the equation in front of you now all you have to do is solve for 'x'. if you are oldre than me and you seem to know the cause of your pain you are one step ahead of me, so try and correct them. i only wish i had insite into the abyss which i am continually looking into!
28 Jun 2004	Cheng	i had problem in my family my parents alway fighted and had argument. just only mom that i had. 1 day she died. i felt like i had nothing left i commited suicide when i was 13 by taking something for cleaning the bathroom. actuallly i supposed to use gun but i didn't know how to put the bullet in. unlucky i am still alive thats why you can see my message here. after that i rarely thinking about suicide but i never did it again as i want to see how my life is gonna end up even i have lots of pain in my mind and i want to leave it so bad.
26 Jun 2004	kate	It is funny to think that on this tiny planet this species called human eats breathes and feels for no apparent reason at all. Religion that promises happiness for a gamble, and having many slot machines that say enter your quarter here, time, talent and treasure, and you will win an afterlife, all saying the same thing, leaves all of us right back where we started, useless and alone. Because they can’t all be winners, there wouldn’t be so many casinos if there is “only one that leads the true way”. I also think that when anyone leaves the humongous machine of society that we are all in, to think for themselves, they fall right down into that pit of easy way out called suicide because they don’t know what to do with themselves, they don’t “feel of use” (Cider House Rules) I have sacrificed everything I have wanted so I could baby-sit my boyfriend going through manic depression, schizophrenia, and masochism. This also means happiness too. In the process I have left all chance of escape to go back to that comfortable world of having others make my decisions, behind me. Life isn’t easy anymore, and I made that decision for him… I guess being a recovering catholic, martyrdom appealed to me. I spent five months carrying him through his worst time, when he would come home from work, buy a couple of forties, drive away from his parent’s house, and drink by himself until he would blackout up the street. He then would come back home and cut himself. Sometimes he would show me the scabs under his handkerchiefs, sometimes he wouldn’t. He would call me every two to three days for sex, and when I would talk to him about the way he was treating me, he would talk to me of suicide. Every time I would beg for him to not to slit his throat, for me and for him.. I told him the usual, that he was being selfish. I told him that he should talk to someone, and I would cry and flip out for him, a big dramatic act until he had his fill of attention, and then he would finish the cycle hanging up on me so I would call him back and make sure he hadn’t hurt himself. One day I couldn’t do it anymore. I was making him worse. He was getting weaker and weaker in his decisions with no consequences, and I was carrying him on my back. So I told him. He was so full of his self pity that there wasn’t any room for me anymore in his life. That making the choice to kill yourself or not to is a day by day choice you have to make, not once and its over, and that HE was going to have to weigh things out and make those choices himself. He hung up and I didn’t call him back. I wrenched at myself, crying at work and tearing myself to pieces for him. That night he talked to me over the computer and told me he had a sawed off shotgun. I told him this time it was his decision. He signed off and I called his parents. His mom asked if I had any more information because she was committing him to a psych-center, and I said no. The next night the emo-of a boy wrote in his live journal, like any person craving negative attention. He wrote anonymously to me that he had been committed and he would miss my birthday. His indie friends would all wonder who this girl was, and comment like they were a part of it, you could tell they had no clue and didn’t care, just wanted to be a part of the action. On Saturday he called and said I had saved his life, that he didn’t shoot the gun but went downstairs and told his parents, and when he was taking a shower, blacked out and cut himself too deep, was rushed in to ER, and checked in for 24 hour evaluation. Visiting him was like being underwater, it was raining that day and I was in shock still. I had written enough to prepare myself for the worst, but seeing his mother struggle with him like I had been doing, arguing and pleading, shocked me until I was submersed. I had started smoking a month before to deal with the headaches, and although I didn’t want to smoke in front of his mother, joined him in smoking a cigarette on the psyche-ward’s patio. He has slowly come out of it, and it had been like watching one of those movies you know, where the shell shocked soldier comes home from the war to his sweetheart, but you and she knows that the situation has changed, he has changed, and this terrible sadness will always be there. A year has past and I think the scariest part about this is crying myself to sleep at night listening to my parents argue, and then ten years later hear my boyfriend and I having the same argument. All for the sake of "love"? ... No, because neither of us can cope with changing our lifestyle. These cycles humans tend to put themselves in keep them running in circles around this earth, looping and weaving like the planets and tides and geometric patterns found in nature itself never get us anywhere but keep us living. In a perfect world I could go live like an Indian, today that would be called going homeless. If I had to hunt for my food everyday, build myself a shelter, and find a mate to try to talk to and communicate with I wouldn’t have time to think about suicide. And the thing is, Indians made up for their loneliness by giving trees and animals “spirits”. Conformity is always going to be among us, even conforming to the idea that you want to be different. Being unique is the only way out of it, and anyone that is finding it hard to fit in with where they are placed, I salute you. You were born with a gift and a different way of thinking. That isn’t a bad thing, all you have to do is have a horrible ego and you could turn into an artist, just add some type of creativity in there somewhere. Interaction with people is going grow, with cell phones and overpopulation, but the truth is human beings are lonely; they are meant to be lonely and always will be. No God, no religion, no cycle can fix that. “Make it all end because I can’t fit in”, doesn’t cut it for me. I struggle with suicide everyday, but I don’t give in. Those illiterate assholes that comment here, calling you “pussy”, etc, have struck a chord but for the wrong reasons and in the wrong way. It is a decision, and a lot of people go through it. All adults do. If you have the strength to consider suicide, then you have the strength to fight it. It’s a Catch 22. Exercise writing out the reasons why you would want to commit suicide, the fact is, you will find a good solution to all of them if you try hard enough. There is this weird balance to life, where every irrational number, every problem, is paired with a rational solution. Make that the filler, the drive to get you out of this. There is a solution, and struggling to find it is going to get you out of the drowning hole, slowly filling up with water. This works for me, and hopefully it works for you. Talking about it so you don’t have to hide like a lowlife and actually understand that others go through this crap everyday is a step. I mean, look at this website? Pretty crazy others are as attention craving as you huh? Well, right now I have to go break up with this boy who has put me in a position to act against my own morals and what I deserve. It is going to be hard, but I will gain so much from this experience, maybe one more lesson that makes living battling suicidal tendancies a little easier.
26 Jun 2004	Giving_advice	I have to say that one thing that has appauled me is alot of people stating that it is impossible to go through shit by the time you are 13. True, I have never been someone who has considered suicide as an option, but when I was 10, I lost both my parents in a car accident. Due to the nature of my parent's marriage, both of their families had disowned them! As a result, I found myself living with people who didnt even care that I existed. I am now 17 and trying to make the most of what is left of my life, and am happy that the worst is over. But to clarify, the years after the death of my parents were complete hell, and I pulled through. It is possible for children to have a hard time too. I even recently had to have an operation, as I had a tumour, with no support given by my 'family'. I'm still here. I agree that suicide is THE most SELFISH thing that you can do! you will ALWAYS have someone who cares about you-no matter what! can you imagine how it would make you feel if they were thinking the same thoughts as you? The best way I can put it is that it's your life, and you have every right to star in it.
23 Jun 2004	lace	Iv been thinking about suicide for so long, but i never go through with it. Im so unhappy in my life, im at college but i cant seem to get on with the work and even if i try so hard i always fail my exams. My mum always shouts at me, tells me im useless,and that im never at home, which is crap, i spend most of my time sat on the internet trying to find someone to talk to. Its not that i dont have friends, its quite the opposite, but non of them really understand how i feel, and mostly just tell me to get over it. My bf is unhappy because he thinks me being like this is somehow his fault. I cant stand to see him like it, and its tearing us apart. I drink alot, i sit on my own watching the television and just drink for hours. I dont want to die, its something that scares me more than anything, but i cant carry on living like this. I feel like living is making everyone else miserable, my mum cries all the time, and blames her own unhappyness on me. It really gets me down and i wish there was something i could do to stop me causing all this pain. Is suicide my only way out?
23 Jun 2004	dee	I'm not 13, but I have been dealing with so many problems that I am ready to give up with life. What is so great about it anyways, i'm suffering right now. It's like when your grandma is so old and sick and she is suffereing, everyone knows in their minds that it is better for her to go so that she no longer suffers. That is how I feel. I feel like grandma. I am only 21, but i feel like I am 97. I do have the strength of a 21 year old, but my stress level and mind is like that 97 year old which wears down my strength to try. For the past 9 years I have been a FUCK up. I mean I have made so many wrong decisions that I just keep getting in trouble or pushed back with life. I hate it. I decided that after I get that call from my insurance company regardless of the result. I am going to do what I planned. I am ready. I am tired everyone telling me that I never learn. I tried to look at the good sides by reading the cards my girls and sister gave me for my graduation. It helps but not enough. I know they see potiential in me. But I don't. All I see is a fuck up. Someone who just makes the wrong decisions. So in 3 days I will finally be relieved from all the stress and suffering.
19 Jun 2004	Krysti K	I am not under 13. I am 3x's that age. I grew up in group homes when my mother died and never thought i would make it to 35. Now thats just around the corner and I have made up my mind that waiting all this time is fruitless. I'm going to do it in the next few days because life is bleak. Im a loser with no career, no job, no light at the end of the tunnel, one family member that is selfish, (guess you could say that about me too) and a fiance who is clueless no matter how much I tell him I am hurting and need him. Its too late for me....hope not for you. Oh and my shrink of 3 years gave me her cell phone number which I will not use cuz i dont want anyone to know and find me in time. I'm relieved it will all be over soon.
17 Jun 2004	heather	hi, i am 15 and i have been sucidal for 3 years now. i done every drug you can think of, and i m a cutter. i feel as if this world that i live in is not reality anymore. i have no feeling and no emotin for anything or anyone. i was with a guy for 26 months. even no he was 4 years older than me we were perfect together. about a month ago he told me that he had slept with my best friend. that broke my heart and i was already suicidal. when i had found this out i sat down to think and the best thought that came to my mine was death. i was already really unhappy and the fact that i had just lost my boyfriend and my bestfriend in day just set it off.i sat down and i wrote letters to all my close friends and my parents. 3 days later i planned to do it. i cleaned everything i put all of my clothes in boxes and was ready for death. my ex-boyfriend mark had noticed that i was acting alittle strange and ask me what was goin on with me and i told him that was not happy and that i wouldnt have to worry about it in a few days. and he told me that she wanted to hang out. so the night i was goin to do it i went to his house and we talked for like 6 hours. i went home that night and i was ok withit still and i was ready to die. so i sat down and i slit my wrist and took a whole bunch of pills. for some reason mark came back over came back over and found me half dead. he took me to the hospital. 4 days later i was releast for the hospital and i got home and i wanted to die more then anything. i felt as if i was so much of a disappointment to everyone that i should not live adn i should show my face anywhere again. my ex boyfriend mark came over that day and he has been here ever since its going on 26 day and he hasnt left once with out me. i i dont no what i would do it i had the chance to be alone.
13 Jun 2004	ryan-beth	the first time i can clearly remember wanting to die i was 7. i saw something on tv and the person said that if you wanted something bad enough u could will it to happen. i immediately went to my room, layed in bed and tried to will myself to die. i have tried other things throughout the years also.i tried slitting my wrists. that landed me 3 months in the psych ward. pills i tried several times and just got sick for days. tried to hand myself and the poll in the closet broke. i am now 24. the last time i tried i was 17. i spent 10 years trying to end my life. only the last time there was something i didnt know...i was pregnant.i had tried to slit my wrists again. now i have 3 kids. i do still have times where i think of suicide. think everyone would be better off without me. then i realise how many people would be lost with out me. especially those 3 kids. they are worth living for, they are my life. i had a horible life. that is now ok. you never know what is comming in your future. so choose wisely. death may solve your problems but only creates more for others.

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