Date	Name/email Nom/email	What is the best way to kill yourself when you're under 13? Quelle est la meilleure forme de suicide pour les moins de 13 ans?
11 Oct 2004	Man with a slightly demented brain.... possible dysfunction of..	I want to have a good life for myself, but I always waste my time. I’ll waste my time in all kinds of ways..... like searching for pointless crap on the net, like rotten.com, and if I don’t waste time on the net, then maybe I’ll waste time by watching tv..... and if I don’t waste time watching tv, I’ll waste time by listening to the same songs over and over again, forcing myself to experience the same painful emotions over and over again, wishing that I could express myself and people could feel what is in me. If I’m not doing that, you might catch me wasting time lying in my bed, staring at the wall, thinking about how lonely I am and how I wish I was with someone, how sad and pathetic I am, how much I hate myself and I hate my life, how much angst and anxiety there is within me, how I feel I am a failure, like I don’t deserve and am not capable of having good things, or just thinking about confrontations with people that never even happened, and probably would never happen. Or you might find me wandering the streets in the middle of the night, thinking of things that never were, thinking of all that I am missing out on in this life, thinking about how I have nothing, that I am a victim, that there is no reason to live. It's like I am in some kind of never ending struggle that doesn't even exist except inside my head. Man, the hours can just drift by and you don’t even know it. I’ve got to stop this. Watch your thoughts, they become your reality. My reality is a reality that no one else knows of or understands. I do not sleep, I cannot work because I am always fighting a dragon on the inside, which isn't even "real". The dragon is burning me and killing me. Life can be a dream or a nightmare. Right now my life is a nightmare and I can't wake up. If I won the lottery, had everything that a person could ever want, the dragon would still be in me and I could never be happy. JUST GET OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
07 Oct 2004	Jessica	I've tried every concievable way since I was eight years old to end my life. Cutting, drugs, alcohol, jumping, walking into traffic, forcing people to beat me up, overdosing on prescriptions, getting shot. Nothing has worked. I am now seventeen. It's still shit to get through each day. Each day, at least once, I want to end it all. A lot of shit has happened to me that has happened to other people on here, including rape and bullying. I'd like to think mine was worse because my mother has encouraged illness.... she has Munchausen's by Proxy.... and she loves no one but herself. Knowing that I am so horrible that my own mother cannot love me, I still go on. Not on faith, not on hope, but simply because I can't give up. I was blessed, and sometimes cursed, with a strong will. I am bipolar and borderline. I have obsessive-compulsive disorder. Do I take meds? No. They, like suicide, are a "quick fix." I don't give a fuck what would happen to other people if I killed myself. I only care that I would not have given to the world, not have accomplished, what I could. Despite my lack of self-esteem and severe depression, it all boils down to one thing for me: I have to be the best. And to be the best, I have to live on.
05 Oct 2004	Shayne	pfffftttttt dont take 60 panadol. just just f**ked me over, f**ked up my liver and was bleeding internally for like 13 hours. ummm if anything use anti-depressants.
05 Oct 2004	kiven	i appreciate everyone posting here.... my plans for suicide are now gone! thank you guys! i want to just go through with my problems.. maybe someday it'll work out for me... i don't feel very sad anymore
04 Oct 2004	Amber	I live in New Zealand population 4million. We have the highest suicide rate in the world. Ihave just taken 30 clanazapams(anti anxity pills) and 60 sleeping pills so good night hope you can follow in these footsteps of mine cause im feeling real good for the first time in ages>
23 Sep 2004	Will Snow	FLAMER, I guess you were abused by your father? Well, Ive been bullied at school and was sexually abused once at school and I actually abused back at school too. But only once and I am ashamed of that. Plus I abused someone in the family and that is the lowest of lows. I think about it often what I have done. My father abused me (so my sister says) and he hated me laughing or anything. I was so scared of him. He died 17 years ago and strangely, I miss him dearly. In fact when he died I became depressed and went into myself and wouldnt talk to anyone. But after a year I opened up again. And Im gay too. But I kept it quiet until fairly recently. I was married as well. So you see. Im really bad and I am ashamed for the things ive done. Im not ashamed of being gay anymore though.
16 Sep 2004	Max	Every day, at about six in the mourning, the alarm clock rudely pulls me out of my dreamy free wandering, and throws me back into reality. It is at the time that I most clearly realize “I hate this. Why do I keep doing it?” I usually keep asking myself that question as I automatically go about my mourning routine, hoping an answer will come to me, although it never does. Soon I am off to school and so busy that I forget for a little while, although the thought still remains in the back of my mind. I think about how busy I am, but how pointless everything I am doing is. The strange this is that I often feel even worse on days when I am not busy, since then there is nothing to distract me and make me forget my self questioning. Ah... good times
14 Sep 2004	sarah (sissylynn)	everyone always tells me that they have it hard. i know that some do but still not all the fuckin time. they dont have to deal with shit they didnt want to. they dont have to fuckin hide under a mask of something or someone ur not. i hate this, i wanna die... i have scars like the rest of u even the people who are reading this but deny they are one of the cutters. either u cut once or sometimes or all the time. u still are considered a fuckin cutter. stop posing u assholes. u dont know what its like to be molested by ur cuz or abused mentally by ur dad or have a mom who drinks too much to get the voice of my dad outta her head. u dont know what its like to compared to ur perfect brother... might i add he is younger than u.... u fuckin people dont know shit. i have to deal with the broken heart every damn day.. i have his face fuckin set in stone in my head... i have all the fuckin things my cuz did to me in my head playin over n over n over again everyday i have to come home to this war in my house act as if nothing happened that nite... i go to skool the next day happy go lucky never lettin on the pain i have to see in my head. i used to be the perfect child or so some say.. good student to an extent then i used to be a cheerleader, always smiling, had a great boyfriend. i lost it all i died inside i trust no one. yet still i smile n act as tho i do.. i cant fuckin believe u people.. u have ppl to trust ppl to look forward to seeing i just have this lifeless body, this meaningless world i dont belong in u dont fuckin know shit.... there is only one way to do suicide fast n quick... a knife on the throat or the wrist only if u do it right... deep n fast... u will suffocate with the neck but if u want people to feel sorry for u then go for the wrist... u will live longer to see or be seen with ur last breath... have fun and have a great day.... mine wont be!!!
13 Sep 2004	marie	well i really dunno i never tryed to kill myself when i was 13 my life was all good from up to the age of 14 maybe 14 1/2.i've tryed to kill myself twice slitting my wrists and that didn't work because i slit it really deep but i neverd got my vains it was in between them so the second time i was blacked out and i got picked up by the cops 4 being way to hammered so they brung me to the police station put me in the drunk tank.and when i was in thurr i tryed to hang myself but the gards ran into my cell and stoped me then the next day when i can to from being blacked out they let me outta the drunk tank but then they brung me to the fricken hospatil to go to the mentail place and i had to stay thurr 4 1 week my mom wanted me to stay in thurr longer but i wanted to get out so i got out and.still today i wanna kill my self but i threw away all my knifes and stuff like that.because when i used to try to kill myself the 1st thing i would grab is my knife and i would slit my writs but now all i have is a bunch of fucken up scares.but i'm gonna kill myself i'm just waiting for the time to come when i get really mad i'm gonna go but a bottle of 151 and go kill my self i dunno how i'm gonna do it but when the time comes i'll know..
06 Sep 2004	trinh	Reading these stories have put my life into perspective and that it’s like my life isn’t worth ending compared to everyone else. But their stories have been told and so will mine. I’m not going to say my age; it’s irrelevant right now. Well, I have always been a happy kid, you know a person people would call normal, I guess I was average. But there was always a part of me that struggled to be part of society or to be normal like everyone else. I always tried so hard to be accepted but everywhere I went people would just judge me, and it made me feel so crap about myself. So finally I just gave up trying in everything. As I hit my 11th grade, I met a girl and she showed me it was okay to be myself, and being myself was cool enough. Things were getting better again. I had never been so happy in my life ever. The best of memories were made with her. I became her new closest friend; you know the kind of friend she was always afraid to have because of past experiences leaded her to believe otherwise. I wasn’t religious but I finally found my new faith. But as the friendship progressed I made mistakes, mistakes that she said was forgivable, but I never forgave myself and I knew deep down that she never had forgiven me even though she said she did. I always looked at these mistakes and allowed them to take over me and so the depression began here. Things weren’t the same anymore. I was constantly jealous that she was talking to other people because she never wanted to be a best friend to me, the way I wanted her to be to me. She was a person who always wanted a lot of friends while I only wanted one friend; I guess that’s where our opinions differed. I would try so hard to make her happy, though I did on countless occasions; I guess it just wasn’t enough for her. She would treat me like any other person. Though I’m sure she felt more than that, she was afraid to say anything, so I didn’t want to make assumptions so I stuck to my initial thought: I was like everyone else to her. That is what ultimately brought me down. After that everything went downhill. Friends were worried about me but I couldn’t bare the thought that my new light in life rejected me. When school was bad and all. I found myself crying myself to sleep each night because what was there never came back and I’d keep thinking of how persistent I was being with making the same mistakes that I promised not to make. For attention I’d threaten to kill myself. I also started to cut. Cutting always seemed to make it better, my tears would dry and I would smile knowing that I felt better. Again cry for forgiveness. I didn’t know what else to do to prove to her my worthiness and loyalty to her, nothing seemed enough for her. The first time I tried to kill myself I told her and she sympathized with me begging me never to do it again. The second time was similar but she still did not feel the same way I did, wanting to be best friends, but she was strict on me not doing it again. But as the threats became repetitive she began to call me stupid and turn away. All of my friends started to become afraid of who I was or who I’ve become. Though they did try to help me. Trying to get me some professional help. But nothing seemed to work, it was like they didn’t understand me. I think by the end they just started to get annoyed with me. Well, the cause of this all was ultimately me, I was jealous of who she talked to and what she did. Just because she didn’t feel the same way. At one point she was depressed too because of the mistakes I’d made that had disappointed her. She felt crappy due to her loss of her first close friend and so I, having the soft spot for her, always there for her when she needed a shoulder to cry on. It was hard because I knew deep down I was the cause of these problems, that didn’t make me feel much better. Grade 12 hit and so I was failing my courses. I mean the beginning was nice and all and then I hit a wall. My friends still watched out for me at this point. At a friends party she was talking to everyone but me and so to take care of this pain I over dosed on my anti depressants and ended up in a hospital ruining my friends birthday party. By the end I stopped attending all of my classes and failed my courses and by that time they had up and left me, and the girl I loved. They left me to deal with these problems on my own. What friends huh. When I needed them the most they left, all at the same time too. Now, I have no one. In total I had tried to kill myself 3 times. Once trying to suffocate myself with a plastic bag. Another overdosing on antidepressants. Another over does which made me vomit for hours. Each time was a cry for forgiveness from her; that I knew deep down would never come. Why did I wake up each time! Apologies won’t even cut it for them, they would tell me to “get over it”. And I’m sure a lot of you have heard the same thing. I’m sure it’s crap. I was just a memory to them and they don’t even miss me. I guess I am that worthless as I thought since I was little. I don’t’ think I’ll be happy ever again. Was it them or me? Now the only thoughts that get me happy or even a bit excited are thoughts of suicide. They are what make my day. My moods change, there are times when I am in need and want her there with me, or there are times I sit there and think about how I can get revenge on them for leaving me. There are problems everywhere I look, at home, at school, and I would look to the friend’s side, but I don’t even have any that understand me. Everyone and everything I look at now has a flaw, it’s all just not worth living for I finally realized. “Part of me sees the reality, the ugliness of mankind, the stinks of this city of this planet, wishing the world be destroyed hundred times and cast into the sun. Wishing People stop pretending that their life has a purpose, hoping people remember from the time when we are born, we are waiting to die. ...How many justifications do you see per day? How many lies do you hear per week? Layer upon layer, I wanted to fucking uncover all your layers. I want to expose all of you liars out there. I hate this fucking planet. I hate all of you.” People are the worst thing that happened on this earth; they’ll let you down. Your dreams will be crushed. Never dream, never have faith. School starts again, and I’m not grade 12 but grade going back. And school is the place where it all went wrong, how can I deal with this, I think it will drive me to my death. All of it, the rejection and the memories. I know, I have a family that loves me, but sometimes it’s not enough. I want to die, but I’m afraid of the pain. I do want to just die in a car accident or whatever because I’m too cowardly to kill myself. But no matter how I die, I want them to be responsible for what happened to me, because in the end it was them who could’ve helped me. It was them who could have brought happiness back to my life. They will regret. They will. This is whom I am, because of the girl and friends who had left me in my times of desperate need. If you guys are reading this and I’m dead, my final words are: it’s your fault. Live with the guilt. I’ll die soon.
30 Aug 2004	Gigi	I have thought of the subject myself, as weird as it may sound. Im such a happy person around my friends and family. Iv been through depression though, and for a long amount of time. Iv been through just about every thing; moving, being abandoned by my own mother, not having a father for 2/3rds of my life. Iv been beaten, scared, angry, and just about every other emotion. You wouldnt notice it if you ever met me though. Im in sports in highschool, I get pretty good grades, I have tons of friends, and Im always smiling and outgoing around people. But the truth is that Iv been hurt before, and along with depression comes thoughts. Iv tryed to commit suicide 4 times. There was a time where I was a major cutter too. I have scars on my left arm, and when ever asked how I got them I tell them that the cat scratched me. Im not scared of dying, Im scared for my friends though, I love them more than anything... Depression still lingers on me, but I just hide it.
27 Aug 2004	Dean W	Hi kate, if your reading this then u got my e-mail, Sorry to put you through this but I chose to leave my note here as it allowed me to choose who read it first (apart from however many people read the stuff on this site, some of which is quite good and even had me re-thinking my decision for a while) anyway please please don't allow anyone to blame themselves this was my life and I made a lot of mistakes there is NOTHING that you or anybody else could have done to prevent this. I am sorry I have pushed you away for so long and I have dragged you down into my problems (although you will always disagree with that) There is really a lot else to say, people who knew me will know why I did this, I just really wanted people to know I don't want them blaming themselves or thinking they should have done more, you ALL did everything you could. I am a coward and cannot handle the reality of life that was my biggest weakness. I always loved you all and always felt loved,
22 Aug 2004	Kieren Allen	I have been thinking of suicide for a very long time now. I'm not 13yo, but have suffered with depression since I was at least 4yo. For me there is now little reason or drive to go on with this game called life. After my parents divorced when I was 4yo, I was brought up in 9 different forster homes. I was abused as a kid both sexually and physically by "straight" people who were supposed to protect and look after me. I have had to live with the memories and shame of this all my life! I survived a very violent gay hate attack just before Christmass 2003, after which I was in hospital for 6 weeks. This has cost me my job where I earnt very good money, and has pretty much destroyed my life! I now cannot trust "straight" people at all. I have no family, and few if any friends, no one will really miss me! People should understand that this alone is my choice! I have given it alot of consideration! I have also looked at other options! No one can live my life for me, or solve my problems or take away the fear, panick attacks and nightmares I now have to live with each day. Remember that I said I have no family, and no one will give a damn when I am gone! I am not lying, I won't even have to wright a letter when I end my life. I am not trying to stop you from killing yourself, that alone is your absolute right, and it is your life. But before you decide to end your life, do what I have done, and at least stay around long enough to consider fully the ramifications of your choice! It will be final and absolute! There is no going back, and there will not be a chance for things to get better or even for your loved ones to help you. Think also, long and very hard about who your going to leave behind, and who might find you. Sometimes the pain for those who live on after you are gone is too much for them to bear. They never really forget or get over it! Remember that things can get better. Hard times can pass! "Suicide" is a very permanent solution, to what can sometimes be only a temporary situation! If you have close friends or a family member you can really trust and love, then for God's sake, do the right thing and tell them how you are feeling and ask them for help before it's too late. You owe yourself that much! Remember that suicide is only to ever be considered as a decision of last and absolute final resort. Think about this very carefully, and don't make a quick decision. Give yourself at least "6" months of very careful consideration, and explore "all" other options first. I did! Time can heal, if not help a lot. Remember there is no turning back from such a choice! Quite apart from any thing else, and of extreem importance, you must have the correct information! You simply must know what you are doing! Trust me, you don't want to end up as a vegetable or be totally paralysed with brain dammage! That would be a living hell, and would really piss your loved ones and friends off! If you really want to know how to suicide, then do what I did, check out the "how to" pages on the net. The Hemock society in the U.S is a good start. It is not the only one but be sure to "get it right" and you can even make it painless! If you, like me are pretty much alone in life, and don't have loved ones, then the choice will be that much easier. You still should consider all the other options first! Remember I said I have thought about this for a very long time, and I know that my life is now just too messed up for a real, and happy future! But if you have loved ones, or very close friends, then you owe it to yourself, and them, to seek help before going any further!
20 Aug 2004	Heather Rose	I'm ba-ack... This is awsome.. I can't explain how I feel right now. I cut into that scar of the star on my stomach.. I just did one little cut at first, and I couldn't stop smiling. It fucking hurt. It fucking hurt I was smiling. How sad. I just kept going, using the old scars as my outlines to follow. I got bored of that and covered my stomach in teeny tiny x's. It looks so pretty. I got bored of that and I beat the shit out of my hip. That was at like.. four in the morning, so when I woke up this morning, it was already starting to bruise.. When I was showering, I just kept pounding on it, with this huge ass smile on my face. Afterwards, I just laid in bed and pinched my arms.. I pinched them till they were are red and a little bloody. It was incredible. I miss being like this. I'm being a total cunt on the outside, but inside I'm the happiest I have been in years. I don't care when I flip out on everyone, it makes me feel better. I just yell and scream and poke my little bruise just to remember its there.. Or I'll outline the star on my stomach, and I can still feel how uneven my skin is. Or just stare at my arms.. And just wait for tonight, to continue my romance with the razor
16 Aug 2004	andrew	hey. im not feeling so bad right now cos im on a high. i spent a few days in my room thinking everything was going to shit but coming out after that everything feels good. its like nothing is as bad as i thought. its always like that after ive been really depressed and i love it. doesnt last long though. maybe thats what normal people feel like.
12 Aug 2004	Kat	Hello there its me Kat , I vaguely remember a time that I had hopes and dreams, aspirations if you will. It's been so long I can't even remember what those dreams were. Funny huh? Well, those are gone now. So gone. Little by little I've gotten to the point where I don't care. Before it was my family that kept me alive, now it doesn't even matter. I don't have anything I feel is worth living for. Not a career, not my family, not even the prospect of future happiness. Growing up abused, raped, beaten and feeling worthless, I guess you could say I've become numb. Lately, the only thing that can get any sort of reaction out of me is Death. I was just born an unhappy child. I've been trying to destroy myself for as long as I can remember. I know how I am going to kill myself, I am going to take enough Coricidan C (over-the-counter cold medicine) to numb myself out, back it up with a bottle of Jack Daniels and after that kicks in I'm good to go. This will enable me to get the cujoes to attempt suicide. I'm going to numb myself out, and cut my veins. I tried taking Pills and tried a syringe of Morphine, but was stopped. I do not have anyone other than my children that would truly miss me. But day by Day I mess up their lives and I do not want them to go hungry one more day, or feel sad for me, or worry, They deserve happiness, not suffering, or pain. I love then so much but this the only way to stop this madness in my life. Well, that's all I really want to say except, there are those who where born to fight all their lives because they feel that they may be able to accomplish something worthwhile in this world. There are those who live life because they don't know what else to do, because it's what's expected of them. Then there's me: A soul who was born weary of life, who doesn't see the possibilities or the "good" in the future. Someone who can't fight this sadness inside me because all she sees is a bleak existence and pain... lots of it. It's the type of person who can handle all the physical pain in the world, but none of the mental anguish. I have had enough of the pain the physical abuse, mental abuse. I prayed to God and asked Why? I have taken all the tests I can, I only wanted to have someone love me, show me that there was something good out there for me. You think you find this person, You give him your heart , for him to just hurt and destroy you. Till you feel worthless, ugly, and that you do not exist. I have always put other people before me. Helping and giving the best way I could, I tried to be a good mother and wife and lover, I believe why lie, it will only hurt you more than telling the truth. Well this is my truth: I love you Kamie, Dj, I know you are strong and you will be happy, All my love forever, Love Mom , Take care all , Kat
09 Aug 2004	mad-comic	You know what I really fucking hate??!! I really fucking hate it how people post on this sight just to say how depressed people should *get over it* and how this sight is shit. Listen. Listen really carefully... FUCK YOU!!! You fucking faggots... you have no idea how much I hate you. Holy fuck, and you have no fucking idea what you are on about!! You think it is someone's fault if they have been raped when they were tiny and they... they don't feel sooo fucking good now because of it! No, go fuck yourself!! Seriously, get the FUCK OFF this sight!!!! I would punch you in the face and feel really damn good about it! That happened to my best friend. The sweetest nicest girl that you would ever meet in the world... are you telling her that she should have fucking *got over it*??!! That she should have just pretended it never happened and just got over it and just put it behind her?? Well, she did, and now she is fucking dead. Thanks to insensitive fucking faggots like yourself. Like "flamer", you fuck. I would take pleasure in kicking the shit out of you. And all the other fucking faggots who bitch about the people on this sight.... I find it really weird how the people who deserve to die are the ones bitching about the people who deserve to live. You clearly have no fucking idea what it's like to live like that, with something like that in the back of your mind, pressing and growing every day like a fucking tumour until her pretty little legs look like a map they are so badly cut up. Nah, I'll tell you really slowly... you.. don't.. know.. what.. the.. fuck.. you.. are.. on.. about.. So SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! It's really really simple. It... shames me, you know, that people like that are still alive, when the others are the ones who die. It's like fucking reverse natural selection or something. As far as I'm concerned people like you killed my friend. You killed someone really fucking close to me! You know, I genuinly love to return that favour.
05 Aug 2004	A girl with experience that has advice to people who are not...	Hi, I'm 13 years old. I've attempted suicide a few times.The first time i thought about suicide was when i was 11 years old. My cousin had just killed herself by hanging from a rope. She was only 1 year older than me. I was scared, depressed, and i couldn't concenntrate in school. My teacher had to send me to the school councellor to try to make me focus. Another thing that was going on in my life at that time was my uncle went in prison. He's going to be there for a long time and that puts more stress on me. My parents want me to be a perfect little angel but i cant. I have so much stress its crazy. I try to fit in with people so that i have good friends. but its so hard.I try to be what i'm not and that brings me down because i want to be myself. I once got in a fight with my parents so i went in my room and i was going to hang myself. I was in there for a while setting it up. i was just about to jump and my mom walked in. I wasn't going to do it in front of her. She got really mad but wouldn't yell cuz she was afraid i'd do it again. My dad was yelling so loud at me and i was crying. My mom took my dad out the room and said now you know yellings not going to help so just stop. He stopped yelling. Things went fine for a while and then me and my mom got in another fight. The first fight i was 11 and this fight i was 12. i got my downstairs room switched to upstairs so if i tried anything i would hear them coming up the stairs so it was good. I cut my arm with a pocket knife but i was afraid to die but i wanted it so badly. Apparently i didnt die. One time i was at my friends house and she was cutting her wrists for fun. she said it didnt hurt cuz she was using a certain kind of razor. The razor is an old kind of eyebrow razor. I wanted to see if it hurt me cutting my hand. So i cut my hand. It didnt hurt. But i still think about suicide thats why i'm on here. My point of view is don't commit suicide cuz think of the people or animals that love you. Think of what you'll loose. Think about the sorrow. Think about where you will go. I think if you commit suicide you will be a lost soul. If you dont you could one day be happy.
04 Aug 2004	Unhappy	Im 15 years old and ive being thinking about commiting suicide for quite a while now, i read some of the posts here and i think to my self how stupid my problems seem compared to some of yours. Anyways it all started when i was about 10 my pearents used to row and throw stuff i used to wake up in the night woundering what they were arguing about now. then one day my mum left thast how it all started i couldnt cope and i wanted to die i hoped that i would fall through a window and just die but then i had my nana she knew how unhappy i was and at least she tryed and thast all that counts to me. i still stayed in touch with my mum and about 2 month later my dad let me see her again i used to feel so sorry for her in a little flat by her self i used to cry my self to sleep every night. Until one day my mum found a new boyfriend he was so good and i used to enjoy being around him my mum took my dad to court and got custody of me i went to live with her and her new boyfriend and things started going well in my life for once a couple of years later they got married and i was so happy. i still kept in touch with my dad a bit but no that much. a few years later i used to go to my dads every weekend but he seemed to shun me and didnt want anything to do with me so i acted the same and i told him that he was the biggest fuck up in my life.As im here wrting this now over the psat 4 week has being the worst of my life my mum had an affair and split up there marriage fucking up my life not only that by doing this my mum has left her self with no money and we are moving house again considering this is the 13th time in my life not only that but we are moving to a shitty little house miles away from friends and family over the past 2 moth though i have had a girlfriend and thats the only reason im still here she brightens up my life i havent told anyone how i feel n talking to strangers seems to get it off my chest my life is nothing but arguments with my mum and lies from her. ive had suicidel thoughs ever since but the other reason for me not doing it is for my nana and how much it would hurt her to see me go before she does and i love her loads and couldnt do it to her. but i dont think i could do it to my mum either i know she cares and loves me really but she is too busy fucking up my life. Im sorry for the space ive taken.
04 Aug 2004	no name	im not actually 13 im 14 nearly 15 but ever since i was about 11 i h8ted my life. i have loving family around me and i know they care but not in the right way. i know my life doesnt seem 2 be as bad as other peoples but just what im going through is so hard 2 put up with. imagine every time ur at home on ur own u brake out into tears n u cry yourself 2 sleep mostly every night. i have tried 2 attempts 2 commit suicide, i even cut my arms all the time it feels as though all the pain n unhappiness is pouring out off me but the next day it will out pile up again. i have tried many ways 2 get through my pain i even write in a book all my feelings it can help it feels as tho im telling someone and they are actually listening it really hard because my whole life i have played the part of the outkast. ppl love me but never show it so do they love me? i know ppl do but there just isnt enough ppl n it makes me feel real bad. i tried 2 tell my best friend how i felt but she didnt help at all. we have a book that we share and we write letters 2 each other in it. i tried 2 tell her my feelings but she didnt react and i really needed her, but i have a friend lauren n i just blurted it out 2 her and to my suprise she had cuts all up her arm we both was going through the exactly the same. i felt she was the only one i could go 2 when i felt really low, when i was going through my worst point i got ill with glandular fever n i got it really bad and had to be admitted 2 hospital. this helped me alot as the nurses would come and check me every hour it felt so nice that people would come 2 see me and see if i was ok. i felt people really cared and there are ppl in the world willing to help it helped me alot untill i came out n nobody wants 2 c me. thinking they will catch and no matta how much i say you cant catch it unless i snog u which is unlikely they still wont have it. my auntie said i couldnt pick up my 2 year old cousin which really upset me as i love him 2 bits and she knows how much i do and i couldnt even pick him up and i told sum ppl i got upset n they would say well no one really wants 2 get a disease, i nearly burst out into tears cause it isnt a desease its a virus which will go and its not like i chose 2 have it for 3 weeks on end i was in total pain i could barely breath as my tonsils had swollen so much my glands where very big makeing my neck wide one side was very big causeing my face 2 swell and my eyes where really sore n i had a really bad migrane which had lasted for a bout a week never stopping this cause for me 2 have no sleep through the nite i would sleep in the day when sumone was there n then not in the night wen every one was a sleep i couldnt talk very barely got words out which was hard 2 let anyone know how much pain i was going through i couldnt eat ot drink at all! for 2 weeks because i couldnt drink either i couldnt have ne liquid foods i had 2 be put on a drip! im know so happy im not in any more pain i look fine but ppl cant seem 2 get out there heads wat i had i could understand they dont want 2 get it but i would no way want anyone 2 be in as much pain as i was this is a very low point of my life as its the holidays n my mum n dad are at work n my bruva is out my friends have gone on holiday or doing things with their pairrents i feel so i alone, one way of helping myself is listening 2 micheal jacksons you are not alone it helps me so much its one song i will never forget but i feel i can never for forgiving myself for cutting my arms and i wanna kill my self so much i wish i was in a different life the only thing holding me on is my mum and dad n brother its also hard for me because my mum is going through such a hard time 6 people have been in hospital this year in her family my auntie being which the worst she was a drug addict for many years since the age of 13 now the age of 30 back in january she was rushed into hospital with a lump the doctors wasnt sur wat it was they romeved it decoverying it was a bug from a dirty needle the bug had spread the had 2 remove it as it would just speread to her head causeing her t have a tuma n die or to totally parilise her my mum would come home every night from being at the hospital crying every day she would have more of her body removed leaving her with just flesh on her hips and all up her back there was a day where my uncle went in the hospital 2 find blode dripping off the bed he still hasnt gotten over it everyone was there she had been uncoisise for bout a month the last thing she knew was she was having a lump removed when she woke up she was disruate 2 know half her skin from her body had been removed she had skin graphs the familt are still finding it hard 2 come 2 terms with it but they are all helping her out wit a new life this has made my mums family much stronger my cuzzens are always together through the holidays i feel so alone again im at home knowing al my cuzzzens are together i tell my mum how i feel so alone and she says well they perants dont work as much so u get more things but thats not wat i care about i just dont want this loneleyness day after day some people like their own company but i just aint like that i love people beimng wit me it makes me remember i aint alone in life but i know one day when i got through a really low time one day i really will kill my self i really loved this 2 boys and i really couldnt chose so i would go out with one then finish it n go with the other then id do the same now i have lost both of these boys ni realy loved em n they said they loved me but not any more and i still love one called louis but he loves this girls sam n i miss him so much i really want him back my cuzzen who i would call my soul mate we are so close dont want me 2 b wit him so i finished it she is like a sister 2 me we have known eacother all our lifes we have arguments like sisters but make up straight after but at the moment i havnt seen her for about a month n i miss her so much i feel she helps me alot its like aving a sister like a best friend and her not being around is so upsetting so maybe one i day i truley will be saying goodbye

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