Date	Name/email Nom/email	What is the best way to kill yourself when you're under 13? Quelle est la meilleure forme de suicide pour les moins de 13 ans?
13 Feb 2005	Paul	Sleeping pills, quick and easy...painless too i guess. ill clean my room and make it tidy ( once and for all) for the first time...and den pop sum pills and lie underneath da bed...so my room stills looks perfect. since my mum wants it to be so perfect, ill leave it so fucken perfect for da rest of her life.
13 Feb 2005	Heidi	To those teens wanting suicide i want to share something. When I was a kid I had no friends. I was abused verbally and sexually by both parents and some teachers. I remember almost dieing in an accident and my family made it into a family joke. I was so depressed I would not leave my home. I was extremely suicidal. Teens. Trust me. it will get better. Life as an adult is different than the life you now know. I am glad I hung in there for it will get better. Do not kill yourself. I am now 35. before you kill yourself think about the people that do love you. Your friends. The life experiences of your future that you will not experience if you died. There is life outside of high school. There is life outside your family. A whole new world awaits you after you graduate and find a job and move out of your parents home. Please do not give up on your life.
12 Feb 2005	caity	i dont know i have od"D 3 times my wrists are slit 18 times right now i have the words kill me carved in my left shoulder, i tried to hang myself. i swear to god i will never die i wish i would die to finally get it over with. it's like there is some sort of force that prevents me from dying. i hate it! i wanna die i want all of this pain to go away i wanna be set free from myself.
11 Feb 2005	lauren	my life is not as bad as many people on this website. I have thought about suicide many times. And although I was not strong enough to follow through with my actions, I did wright a suicide note. Please read this if you are thinking about suicide. If you are still going to do it after this note, please contact me. I will be glad to hear what you have to say. Take care. Dear Friends, Family, Strangers, Aquaintences, etc. I, Lauren, no longer have the desire to live. For as long as remember, I was not needed or wanted. I was always the annoying girl, or the girl who wanted to be like everyone else. That is completley and totally true. I was not as pretty as the popular girls and obviously not as high in status. I was mediocre. I was not a loser but not poopular. Which killed me. I tried making friends with the popular girls, but they quickly got rid of me. I was kicked out of the cool table in 8th grade. Thats ok though. Because those girls were not my true friends. And those evil bitches know who they are. They were they girls who thought they were Gods gift to the world. The girls who walked down the halls and only looked at you to see what you were wearing or how your hair looked. These were the girls who never saw past your clothes or designer fashions. Popularity and acceptance were like fire in their eyes. They needed it and would do anything to possess it. To these girls I say, forget about the material things in life. Hold on to all the good things that surround you. Your true friends and the family that care so much for you. Although I despise these prissy whores, I do feel for them. Because I also know how it feels when you know that people talk about you behind your back. And i was jealous of the popular girls for a while. I wanted their clothes and jewelry and looks and above all else, their acceptance. Now, that im older, I realize how foolish these "popular" girls were. and how I am better off not being their friend. My family however I can honestly say that I do not need. You may think that this is selfish and mean of me, when you know the real reason I feel this, then maybe you will understand me a little bit better. Keep in mind that I am 16 years old and everything is 100x worse in my mind than it actually is: My mother, Tara, is one of the worst women I have ever known. since before I can remember, this evil woman had abused me. When it wasn't physically, it was mentally. And when it wasn't mentally, it was emotionally. And so on and so forth. For reasons beyond my knowledge, my mother had hit me or cursed me. I used to think that maybe I was a bad kid. That I answered her back one too many times and maybe I deserved the slap to the face or the bruise on my arm. But now that I am a little bit older, and a little bit wiser she knows not to hit me often. Once in a while I will get a hit here or there. That however doesnt compare to the emotional abuse she put me through. Tara had always been known around my house to have a temper. And taking out her temper on me would be the highlight of her day. I have come to know myself as "cunt or bitch or stupid fuck". I have been told that people from the dad to my sisters to even my grandmother hated me. And having such a weak state of mind, I believed her. I believed that I wasnt loved. And that everyone hated me. She contributed to my death in a large part. As much as she would like to say this was my own fault, I hope forever that she has to bear the fact that although not intentionally, she killed her oldest daughter. My father, Buzzy, is a perfect example of a trying parent. While trying to keep the screams of his and my mothers fights silenced, he failed to see his postion as not a father, but a daddy. He was the enforcer oif the house. In my point of view he was there to hand out punishments and enforce rules. He was not there to love. Buyt there to fear. He was a rather unfair father and did not show mercy in anything he did. He overeacrted about grades and cared too much about the little things. He was a large part of making my life hell. One day my mother hit me so hard my nose bled, I called him crying and he did nothing about it. His silence showed me that he wasn't there to help me. He was there to make our "perfect" family look perfect. Thats all he cared about. Even though he didnt know it, he slowly caused my death. My sisters. Sami and Dyanna. I love them with all my heart and soul. They are what kept me alive. Although I acted as if I hated Sami, I didnt. What I did hate was that she was the favorite. That my mother didnt hit her and call her names like she did to me. My parents were always on Samis side in whatever happened. I hated that she was loved and I wasnt. Life at my high school was perfect. In that school there are no popular people and i was finally accepted for who I was. I had made many friends. Some who will be in my heart forever. I will cherish the memories I had made with them and will never forget them and will be with them always. These people were the ones that held me together. The ones who helped me out with any little problem. The peice if advice I leave with you girls, Jess, Katie, Meg, Britt, and Amanda, is that you keep eachother close. Please dont let the little things get in the way of the beautiful friendships you've created for yourselves. Francesca. My best friend in the entire world. The person who holds my secrets. The girl who I can confide in. I am so sorry that I did this. To me, there was no way out. I hope that you will be able to forgive me. Please remember the 9 amazing years we've shared as best friends. I will always keep your secrets and memories close to my heart. I will love you always my best friend. Steve. Many people might not know about Steve. Only the important people know who he is. Steve is the person I fell in love with. He is the guy who made my depressed sad world liveable. For a short while anyway. Steve, although you live in another state, and we were never close to eachother, I have loved you with all my heart. You have made me whole. I cannot explain the feelings I have for you. Strangers who dont know me are reading this and think Im crazy. A 16 year old victim of suicide in love. of course. You cant have a suicide without a broken heart. But this is different. Lack of feelings from Steve are not the reasons for my death. Steve loved me as well. We have had convorsations that people can only dream of. And although we have not seen eachother in person more than once, I have fell madly in love with you. I dreamed of growing old with oyu, living together, getting married, and having kids. I do not know why it ended this way. All I can say is that my love for you will never die. It will live on forever in my heart, as well as yours. Please know that I love you and that I will be with you forever. As long as you love me. I AM WITH GOD NOW. I believe that he was one of the few who loved me. he was there for me when no one else was. He heard my cries every night whether he wanted to or not. He saw went went on behind the walls of my "home". He new why I di this before you did. To me, his is the only person I can trust in this world. I want nothing more than to be with him. I peace. In extasy. In pure happiness. I think that I will receive what I deserve. When I am standing before the devil and Jesus Christ himself. I will get what I deserve. And I am now strong enough to say, that I am prepared for the consequences of my actions. My life as you see was not perfect. I was not perfect. I have made mistakes that I regret even to this day. This is probably the worst mistake I have ever made. The point of this letter was not to be a typical suicide note. It was to inspire others like myself to take another road to freedom. Talk to someone close to you. Everyone has someone they can talk to. In my case it was God. Death is not the answer. I know this is hard advoce to take from a dead girl, but you need to look inide yourself. Past all the bad memories and bruised emotions. Look down deep inside your heart and realize that there are people that will be upset if anything bad happend to you. YOU ARE LOVED. So please take my advice and treasure it. I on the other hand did not have advice as valuable as this. AND IT COST ME MY LIFE. love is always in your heart lauren alexis.
10 Feb 2005	Freya	My mom and dad split up when i was 13months old because my dad was A drunk and stuff . My dad then said he never wanted to see me or my sister again unless my mom took him back . She didnt , yet he continued to see us until i was 4 . Then he stopped . I cried every night , drew him pictures and wrote him letters asking when i could next see him...he never replied . It got too much for my mom , who phoned him and insisted we saw him...he walked out after 5min without saying goodbye or anything . My gran has always hated me , she bullys me and calls me "lier,little cow,bitch,ect" , when we have to go to her house , i cant eat when i go there as im so depressed , so loose weight tons (we usually go there for 2 weeks) . My aunts got a mental illness...and last time i was alone in my grans house she came and tried to kill me by ripping at my hair and face...then when she asked my gran if she should go and say sorry or tell my mom , my gran said "no , dont bother"...A couple of months later my cousin(mad aunts daughter)called me "a malicious cow and a horrible little girl" because she didnt believe her mom tried to kill me(even though when my cousin was younger my aunt tried to strangle her aswell , and many other occasions)...so now all my family hate me aswell(no one believes me).In my primary school i was bullied by my yr3 teacher and my yr4 teacher...then in yr5 kids started bullying me to...i told my mom..who told teachers..who made it worse...by yr6 it was people hitting me and stuff...teachers still failed to do anything . In yr7 (newschool) got bullied also , just because i had afew spots , apparantly have a big chin and i never smile(how the hell can you smile when your depressed and stressed??? )(people bringing a point to that didnt exactly help either)...In yr8 i couldnt take much more as my teachers had started bulling me aswell as my so called mate getting yr10s to threaten me and people in my class bullying me ,so after tons of hell trying to get into millionsof schools ect...i managed to get a place at my currant school...Where i got the exact same treatment as my last two schools , ive only been there 3 weeks and already ive been called names and made to feel crap and worthless ... Thats my life ,Ive thought of suicide so many times but in the end i cant ever bring the knife down to my wrist(technicly proven to be the least effective way to kill yourself)...I would have ended it ages ago but i realised that , yeah , okay i may not be the best looking,the most confident ,the most popular or anything but im gonna make it big.I still get depressed to hell , i hit my head on walls , i cut my feet with penknifes , I bash myself up and i cant help it , because in the end , " depression is not a choice " and "Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds the resources for dealing with pain" , Im stuck in a circle of misery...but i still havent commited suicide because i know theres going to bea day where all those people who made my life misery are gonna pay for it big time . Recently ive become paranoid of things...for instance;i cant have my wrists upwards cuz i think there gonna slit ect . When your depressed all you think about is your crap life is , you cant think of anything worse than being you . I havent ended my life yet because i cant face the fact that then in a way i would have lost...i would have let the people desperate to ruin my life win, and i dont want to give them that victory . Come on, dont commit suicide , cuz , "Life is a game we all have to play , We all know from the start it will end in death so dont loose before its over " ... Email me if you want a friend or just someone to talk to ... xxx (i also have msn)
04 Feb 2005	kerri	i was 13 the first time i tried to kill my self now i am 33 and suffering perment kidney damage from all the pills i took will be on dyaliss before 40 or untill my kidney's shut down. it is hard so hard to live but so easy to want to die.... even after all this time i still every day think of some new thought or some brilight sceam. mail me back we could share ideas
28 Jan 2005	WAMF	The best way to kill yourself is to go out in a blaze of glory. I am slowly killing myself by living an unhealthy lifestyle. Why are so many people health nuts? Who gives a fuck! Everyone is going to die anyway.... so what if health freaks live just a little longer? Life is short regardless so who cares? It's as if being unhealthy is offensive to those health freaks. Fuck you, health losers!!!! So you have muscles that pop out.... who the fuck cares?!!?!? Every Friday I go to the grocery store and buy 2 liters of ice cream and eat it all at once.... along with 2 litres of coke, and a bag of chips and X number of donuts. I just finished two massive servings fried ass asian food, and my stomach is bulging like nobody's business. Who cares!! So maybe I'll die a little earlier, I LIKE FOOD!!! GOD DAMMIT!!! When I go to a buffet, I literally eat until I puke!!!!!! I fucking masterbate 10 times a day, I'm an alcoholic pot smoking, lsd using, clit licking, muff munching mother fucker, and I'm going to party my way straight to hell and ya'll can kiss my big fat brown hairy ass!!!!!!!!! So if you're depressed, why not just indulge yourself. Be a glutton, a sloth, a perv.... and feel free to add in whatever other sins in to the mix.
25 Jan 2005	Loud whisper	Hmmmmm, where to start? Pain, Anger, doubt, suffering, self hatred, sorrow..... I can go on and on....... obviously if you are reading this you have had or probably still have struggling thoughts of suicide. And after reading so many posts here on this site for about 4 months i have decided to write you all my own little short story...... like the most of you my life was tough in every way possible..... Everyday was filled with pain and sorrow..... i have been trying to commit suicide scene i was 12 .... i am 15 now . it began slowly with self hatred then self abuse.... ( cutting my self and banging my head into walls constantly) i tried stabbing my self, slitting my rist, suffocating my self, overdoses, and jumping in front of cars...... i was stuck and lost inside of my self .... i felt like no one could help me and even if they could who would care enough to any ways? . After the attempts i was consistently sent to counselors, social workers and physiologists..... Eventually i gave up on life..... Everyday i would wake up hoping to die.... after so many attempts i wondered wut in the world kept me here??? i tried avoiding my pain by drinking ALOT... sometimes to the point where i couldn’t even remember where i was or wut i was doing ...smoking and doing wut ever else i can do to get by another day.... every night i cried my self to sleep....... now one night specifically i had a bottle of pills in one hand and a remote in the other ready to try another attempt.... i was flipping through the channels now i guess i must have landed on some Christian channel ... and i remember this mans voice loud and clear ..." my child .... God sees your pain and he wants to show you his love ... he sees you now and he’s saying Put Down Those Pills..... God loves you”.............. Shaken by the man’s words i quickly drank the bottle of pills..... Why... I don’t know.... but i ended up in the ER almost dead..... but again, once again i was Blessed enough to survive...now im not here to preach to you but i am here to tell you that i was given a second chance at life ...... another chance to make things right... now the pain... and bruises done over the years is not going to disappear in one night... i cannot guarantee you that life is going to be easy.... but i can guarantee you that there is someone who cares....and who will help you though it.. God Loves you and if you got this far into this letter ...THEN hear the Voice of a girl who once stood in your foot steps..... Who felt what you are feeling who’s been where you have been LISTEN to me when i tell you Suicide is a permanent solution for a temporary problem.... Never loose hope.....and now you have heard my side of the story... if you are still reading this i tell you that no matter what you have been told you are not an accident.... you are here for a reason... and ur alive today thank God, for you are here today..... Reading these very words and breathing..... if u want to talk about anything at all or jus want to ask me n e thing Please feel free Email me at Aslama@al.com
24 Jan 2005	Jon	I thought that getting drunk and wrecking my car would have been the best. I was four times the legal limit and the cops said I was going about 90. I hit a telephone pole and it spun me off an inbanckment into some trees. I destroyed my car. I was still fucking able to get up and walk away. This is the second time that I should have died. I guess i need to try harder next time. Hopefully a bottle of perscription sleeping pills will work.
24 Jan 2005	why would you want to know my name?	we are all walking dead. Those of us who want do die. I feel only apathy and rage. silence is the only way
21 Jan 2005	Era	Lucy Cortina sorry about you being braless and all, but those guys hooting at you...thats just disgusting and its good that you're much more sophisticated then all of that. Well hey everyone my name is Era, and i'm writing from the Van Nuys Area in CA. I'm 15 years old and i've been suicidal since i was about 12 or 11. It started with me basically hating myself and everything about me. My mother has a very lousy personality and she usually took out her stress on me and my little brother. As it turned out all the emotional shit she said really affected me and i was constantly trying to make myself better. i began binging, never eating and working out constantly. As a result in 7th grade i began making more friends and i was a cheerleader, for a while all the pain went away because i was kept busy and i truly felt wanted, but when my mother and i started fighting again everything came rushing back like waves of hatred and anger. in 8th grade the cutting began, as well as the drugs and i was taking two lines of cocaine everyday just so i could lose more weight. i ruined almost everyone around me's life because i was known for doing stupid things. they of course thought i was fine, but even as we laugh the heart aches and all my problems were dragging me down. after cutting lost its appeal i began burning my skin and popping pills just to see how many i could take until i went unconcious, when nothing happened i became more drastic and slit my throat. i was unsuccessful and just ended up in the hospital. my mother once again blamed it all on me and my friends didnt know i had a 'problem' i guess you could say that all i really wanted was for someone to notice what i was doing, but no one every did. till this day i think about commiting suicide, but i'm a little older and living with my dad and those emotions dont surface as much. I'm kept busy and go to this continuation school that have kids with problems also and it helps to be around people like me. i see a therapist reguarlarly and i've begun to read the bible, but sometimes i cant really control myself and all i want to do is die. looking in the mirror is like seeing someone i dont want to be anymore and when i wake up its like a slap in my face, knowing that i'm still in this shitty world. i know theres people out there like me and i'd like to commuicate with you all if you want. just email me at empress_whiskey@yahoo.com take care you all.
20 Jan 2005	A Lost Soul Saved	ok, i just want to thank everyone who posted anything. i understand how hard it is to express such emotion but personally i am glad you were all so brave. i have been struggling with suicidal thoughts since i was about 9 after being molested by my alcoholic uncle and well even tho i still feel as if my life has been prtty bad i feel somwhat relieved to know that i am not a lone and i also realize there are others who have/had it much worse than myself. reading these posts has really changed me. thank you all and my you all find peace on earth in some manner.
18 Jan 2005	xxsunangelxx	I would just like to say this... If you arethinking baout killing yourself please talk to someone. I have been there and done that. I have delighted myself in others suffering due to my death. Earlier this year in November, I was seriously close to ending my life. I had it all planned so that my mom couldn't find my body.. Blah blah. I changed my mind though when my mother told me the news of my uncles death. He has shot himself in the head. We had his cremated reamins brought home for a service. His body was not suitable for an open casket. It is hard on you and your family. You feel anger pain and hatred. It is one of the hardest things in the world to walk into a room that you know someone shot themselves in. Yes, I had to drive with my distraught mother to his home. We had to get his belongins. When I walked into that room, you could smell the remanents of it all. The rusty metallic blood smell, gunpowder.. Worst of all you could see all the grotesque details of the aftermath. Once you experience this, you'll never want to leave your family and friends in that situation. As I cleaned around where he had layed, I found several pieces of bone from his skull intertwined with his blankets. the blood on the wall and ceiling was awful. Plus, the bulletts and boxes of them all over the house were too much for anyone to see. Please imagine the worst possbile gory scene in a horror flick and multiply it by 1000. This is a memory that is ecthed into my mind. I wake up many nights from nightmares. I can see him doing the whole thing in my head and I can't get it out of memory. Please do not end your life.. There is always a better out there. It may not be now but patience is a virture. Please don't leave your friends and family in a situation such as this. Please talk to someone.. It does help. I realize this now.. If only my uncle knew.
17 Jan 2005	gareth	to all the people who have read this! im 21 yrs old and have bin fighting feelings of suicide since i was 11 years old and i still have to keep going, i know not for myself but for all the people who i matter to even if sometimes i don't believe i could ever matter to anyone! So thats my sacrifice, to keep living no matter how much i wana die! So find it inside yourself to keep going! if not for you then for the people who matter to you!
17 Jan 2005	Still Dreaming	One day I will wake up. I will know today is the day I do it. I will sit staring out the window into nothingness all day, waiting for one reason to live to come to me. No reason will come, there is none. No one will visit, I have no acquaintances, no one will call, no one is that interested in me. All day I will see the world in nothing but greens and blues. On a warm summer night as it nears 12 o’clock my red blood will splash against the cold toned universe and be forgotten. Soon my body will be as cold as the glass of the window I sit in front of all day, wishing I was free of my life.
17 Jan 2005	The snuffalufagus that typed	I could turn off my light, put some pillows under the covers, and head down to the basement. It would be so easy, what is stopping me? I could make a short little stop in the kitchen and pick up a couple of the sharp meat knifes we keep there. They are sharp, and the pain would be much numbed, as the knife sliced through the tender flesh of my throat. I am drunk and it would be easy, what is stopping me? No school tomorrow. I am not expected to wake up until around noon, the parents would not be worried till about two, they would not be frantic until about three. It 11:23 PM right now, I am sure that is enough time to die. What is stopping me? That must be a enough time to die, 15 hours with a cut throat. And I really just might. The sky is red and I can't sleep, restless to move as I see the sky foreshadowing the apocalypse. And "Why kill time when you can kill yourself" to snatch a few words from the Cabaret Voltaire. What is stopping me, why not? I see myself sitting in that pool of dark blood on the gray stone floor. I used to sneak down there to smoke marijuana, now I am doing it to die. Why not? Why the fuck not?
14 Jan 2005	I WANT TO DIEEEE	I havent tried to kill myself yet... But I have seriously thought about it for 10 years.. Im friggin 15 years old.. Okay this is my life.. I grew up into a wife beater/child abuser/druggie family.. The first couple years of my life I was with my grandparents which wasnt bad, but it was because my sister was in the hospital dying.. My mom couldn't be with me nor my brother.. so we basically didnt have a mother until we were 3-4 years old.. thats when the hell started happening.. My child abuser of a father and psychotic mother took us from our grandparents and we lived in many different apartments and going from place to place.. we eventually ended up back at my grandparents house with my mother and father.. while witnessing some abuse and being hit everyday.. the emotional abuse was worse.. and when I was 5 years old me and my siblings were taken away, and for a week we were at my cousins house.. and because I was scared to sleep with my cousin in her room my uncle beat me up.. great vacation from mom and dad.. We were returned to our parents in a week and a week later we were taken away (once again) each time being traumatized, while these big police officers are taking us out of the arms of our grandparents.. in 2 days we were back with our horrid parents.. when I was 6 we moved out of our grandparents house and moved into a new house ( where all there was were low class mexicans, that went "ouchi ouchi" or something like that when we rode our bikes passed the houses in the neighborhood.. it was a dump), we got a dog and everything was going better.. My fathers abuse though got worse.. everyday we would hear fuckers,cunts, etc use ur imagination.. and we'd get hit horribly and my mom when he was beating her I would go in front of her and say dont hit my mommy.. he'd throw me into the wall.. ohh well.. I got a cat for christmas.. and in the spring our dog was ran over by a car.. we got 2 more dogs .. the 1 dog ate my cat.. the only friend I had ever known and my dad just kept on hitting me.. I remeber going to school with a big bruises on my face and the teacher asking me why I had so many bruises, I had to lie.. knowing that life would only get worse if I was taken away.. So I got fat from my cat dying .. from the depression.. I ate because that replaced the feelings and food became my new friend.. I got teased.. soooooooooooooooooooooo bad.. never had 1 friend.. and I was literally beaten up at school and tortured.. and when I got home I got it from my parents.. I remember on christmas my dad gave me a black eye and broke my nose.. aww.. great present.. I lost all my fat because I became an anorexic/bulimic and quit school.. I had no friends and no life.. I over dosed on pills a couple times .. diet pills that is .. and I had to go to the hospital to get my stomach pumped.. my dog died ( the 1 from the 2 that we got) and later on the next year my grandpa went into the hospital and our house burnt down.. and our other remaining dog killed our puppy that we got 2-3 years previous.. when they were in the hotels.. My cats had kittens .. when we were in those lovely (yeah right.. okay the rat traps of hotels)and most of them died when I tried so hard to keep them alive.. my grandpa was literally dying in the hospital for about 5 months at this point and we finally got a new house.. I personally felt like killing myself.. I had lost everything that mattered to me.. and I was losing the only father I had ever known. a couple months passed by and my grandpa was starting to get better.. then due to neglence of the doctors they killed him off.. I was ready to slit my wrists right there.. I over dosed on pills 2 more times and I lost it I mourned and stayed in my room for months and I didnt go to school again.. and now my dad still hits me and abuses me almost every day.. my mother emotionally abuses me and wants to make every1 hate me.. and I finally met a guy I liked and he liked me back.. and we talked about everything.. but suddenly he started acting different.. and now he's treating me like shit.. and now I just cant take anything anymore.. I just want to die.. and nothing is working to kill myself off.. Im too sad about everything.. The world would be better off without me and Im just another mouth to feed and to abuse .. so if anyone has any tips to kill yourself off with please share!!!! :(
09 Jan 2005	..	i have tried to Over dose so many times it wont work. my dad now keeps all the medicines locked up my brother wont let me go any where they know if i get the chance im going to over dose. why didnt i die. why must they keep me from dying they treat me like shit, yet they wont let me die. ive tried to tell them why i must kill my self but they wont let me. my mom left me for her ex. and the only reason she wanted me was for the money because im adopted because my blood mom was on drugs. now my adopted dad is the same way no matter how much he denies it. ok well any ways to tell you my whole story i got to go to when i was born... ok i was born because my mom was a slut and all her money went to drugs...which is why she didnt take birth control. i was a mistake i wasnt wanted but she was to fucking lazy to get an abortion. so any ways i was born and forced to live in apartment after apartment with her.. well one of them was a huge apt. well i was like 3 i went outside to play hide and seek with some of the peoples there. and what happens some sick freak that was i would say 15 or 16 was like come with me hide with me blah blah...and so he took me behind the apts no one else would look there and he raped me than and said if i told any one he would kill me and i belived him i was only 3...well any ways i was scared to go out side and one day my mom made me even after i told her what happend she didnt believe me and so i had to go outside and you know what he was there and he raped me again and i told my mom and you know what happened she went to talk to his mom and he denied it all and they all believed him...and so than we had to move because she didnt pay rent next apt i was playing outside and another guy raped me this time my brother was there to it was sick disturbing my own fucking brother who i still live with thank god he stopped with that shit but to this day i cant look at my brother with out getting discusted. well than i had to deal with my moms new b.f and my new little sister who i practicaly raised when i was like 4-7...well any ways her new b.f tried raping me so many times it was gross each time though some one would walk in and he would be like i was helping her change because she asked me it was disturbin i had to hide every day...than i went to fostercare because cps finaly got there heads out of there asses and relized some thing was wrong. but what do they do they lost my sister for like 2 hours in a mall...they hated me made me sleep in the garage. than i had to live with my now adopted dad my little sister and stupid older brother and adopted mom well my parents got divorced i had to live with my dad and well basicaly lifes hell... i have to raise my sister again..i feel like im slowly dying. no one is trying to help me my drs refuse to give me anti depresents because they think i will o.d my dad hates me my brother hates me my little sister is trying to kill me faster..and they stole my medicine..and dont worry they locked the knifes too...im stuck in my room..with nothing to cause bodily harm..not even my simple little razor to keep me company hopefully i just die any day now though i swear i will find a way.
08 Jan 2005	Mats Lagnevall	Having read some of your answers I feel obliged to share my story to. I'm a quite good-looking guy, 19 going on 20 years old, born in Sweden, have had a steady relationship for a bit over a year. Well, steady and steady, that's what it all comes down to. It's not been steady. But anyhow, I'll continue with the background. Ever since I was 7 years old, I've been somewhat a trouble child. I've been putting paper containers on fire, crushing windows at school, getting in fights every other day, even using brickstones to hurt the other guy as much as possible, and all this just to get attention. For it all started with my mom and dad fighting each and every day. I hated it, I was lying in my bed, every night, crying with despair when I heard their screams from the livingroom. And ontop of that my father always ended up taking his anger out on me for something I had done. My little brother was 5 years old, he used to sneak into my room and say that he was afraid and ask if he could stay with me. Ofcourse he could, every time. He didn't really understand what was going to happen, how their relationship was about to end. All of this continued for over 3 years, I got sent to counceling for everything I did, I got a private "observer" following me around in the whole third and forth year in school, being 9-10 years old this was quite embarrasing and made me calm down substancially. When she had left me during the end of my forth year in school I was as calm as a lamb. And then everyone saw their chance, since I was no longer a raging lunatic I started to get bullied on, and I'm not talking just names, I got beat up, kids bigger brothers drove straight into me with their mopeds, I got locked inside small cleaningrooms, my cloths got taken away after gym class, so I had to wait there until the school closed, to be escorted home, and ofcourse everyone stood outside laughing when the teacher said, come on now, noone's at school now. The bullying continued until I started 6th grade. In the end of 5th grade I took a big rock and smashed it into a guys head with such great force that it cracked open and my clothes where drained in blood it felt like, it pouring out of his cracked open skull and everyone around screaming, so horribly screaming their wits out. Teachers came running, and they didn't calm everything down, they started to scream to, everyone just screamed, it was so scary, I didn't really understand that I could've killed the guy, my brain couldn't compute that, the men on TV did worse things then this and the ones they did it to never died. It all went downwards from there. I was a lonewolf, noone dared go close to me, they whispered behind my back, I knew they were calling me names, but I couldn't care less of what happend to me. Social service got involved, the kid had survived, but he were on the thin line, having lost alot of blood. But yes, he survived, to my great gratitude today. Anyhow, as I said, I was a lonewolf, until I started 7th grade (we only have 9 grades of elementary school in Sweden) when I started 7th grade I got introduced to the hard life, 12 guys closing in on me first day at school, all 9th graders, one of them taking out a knife, which I thought was bigger then my forearm, putting it to my throuth and calmly stating that he where to slit my throuth if I ever started trouble or ever said this to anyone. (I can say now that this is the first time I've said it.) Ofcourse I didn't start any trouble, I had never been afraid before in my life, having been brought up the hard way with my dad beating on me, and me taking it out on others as revenge. I had never been afraid, and that day I was shaking, almost shaking uncontrollable, as I am now, in real life, only thinking about it. 7th grade went on like 5th grade more or less, I got beat on at almost every break inbetween classes, girls where calling me names. Everything from duckbut to negrobut. (I had somewhat outstanding but, which later in my life girls started to like because it represented a well-trained body.)(The typical but that you see body builders have anyhow.) It was unusual among children, and therefor I got bullied for it. Beaten up for looking at someone and always thrown into cleaning compartments at first best chance. This was my life, I started thinking about commiting suicide halfways through 7th grade, I came as far as holding the knife to my throuth when I bursted in tears, realising I wasn't strong enough, I always had the same picture in my head when I thought about suicide, I always saw my mother and my father kneeling over my dead body, my mother holding my head in her lap, screaming out my name, my dad seemingly unaware of what happend, of chock I always thought, just looking down at the ground, a single tear falling from his cheek. (And I had NEVER seen my dad cry, so this vision was to much for me, I'm crying as I'm writing this, for the vision of it is so clear.) This stopped me, every time I thought about commiting suicide, or finally took the knife in my hand. I simply couldn't do it. My father and mother had calmed down some, they wheren't fighting as open as before, and not as often either. (I thought) One night, by the end of 7th grade, I'm 13 years old, my little brother is 10. I heard those screams, the same screams that made my tears flow a few years before. But this time it was different, dad was shouting and my mom was screaming that he was not allowed to leave the house, he shout back to her that she couldn't stop him. It got quiet for a second, struggling noices came from the hallway leading out of the door, then I heard something, a smack, a I can't really say what it was, and a big *THOD* reached my room, my mother started screaming in pain as my dad had broken her arm, opened the door and slammed it after him, leaving my mother on the floor screaming. I ran out to her, and I saw her sitting by the sofa, on the floor holding her left arm and I could se it was broken, the smell of blood. I to burst in tears, promising my mom I would be a better child, I would make everything good again, kept telling her everything would be alright. It would be better, I asked her to please stop crying, and she replied she couldn't the pain was to much, I didn't know what to do (I'm having a hard time writing all this because I'm constantly in tears) so I ran to the phone and called her sister, I said what I had heard and she exclaimed a bit WHAT? and the second after "I'll be right there." Leaving me standing by the phone, I didn't know what to do, I felt so powerless, I felt my heart become a stone, a stone slowly sinking down to my stomage, I hated myself, it was all my fault, I wanted to hurt myself, hurt my dad, hurt someone. I was clueless, powerless. Moms sister arrived what felt like seconds after she had hanged up, took a quick look at my mom asking how it felt, and she said what I feared. It's broken Kicki. She went to the phone and called 911 (90000) as it was in Sweden back then. Kicki ordered me back to my room, I didn't say anything, I just went, coming into my room and I heard the small sobs from underneath my bedsheat, my brother was crying uncontrollable, I took him to my chest and started to promise him it would be okey instead, that everything would be, simply, okey. I think we both fell asleep with teirs in our eyes and a big stone for a heart that night. A few days after dad had come back home, him and mom was sitting by the kitchen table talking when they called our names. I refused to believe what was to happen. Strictly marching out to the kitchen with my little brother right behind me. And they told us to sit down, that they have been thinking, and that it would be the best for both of them if they were to separate. I knew it, screaming I hate you I ran back to my room, closed and locked the door, and to my surprice I was left alone. I didn't understand how I would adapt to this, I didn't want to adapt to it. I wanted them to be together, to keep struggling for a relationship, but I know I was only selfish thinking like that. I decided to think that life would go on. And it did. I started 8th grade, the first two weeks of 8th grade was the same as 7th. Then I met a guy, or well, a man in my eyes, he was 19 years old. Member of a right wing extrimist group in Gothenburg. He said they would take care of me. He said they would be my friends. I can't in words express the happiness I felt that day, and they did, I kept getting bullied at school, but afterwards I went home to one of them and sitting down, among friends, talking. They eventually understood something was wrong in school as I had bruses from time to time. When they asked me the first time I said I didn't want to talk about it. (I didn't want to show them how weak I was.) But they forced me, more or less, to say it, because they understod there was something majorly wrong. So I told them... The next day at school all of them had promised to show up. The first class went on, I got out and a guy pushed me into a locker, and I proudly said, you are the first one to go down! Straight to his face. His face took a somewhat dazzled look, but he quickly regained himself simply to hit me in the stomache then leaving me there, coughing for breath. The second class went on, and when it was over I hoped they where to stand outside my class room, waiting for me. But noone was there, and I sneaked around the school to see if I could find them, if they couldn't find me. I got a hit once and got pushed into the locked once when I sneaked around in the school. Then they called in for the third class, and I, depressed, went there. But at lunchbreak after the third class had ended and I was heading to lunch 8 really big, really muscular guys was entering the school premises, and I saw that it was them! I quickly got their attention, everyone was staring as they walked up to me, one of them gave me a hug and the others tapping my head or my shoulder. Then they all looked dead serious and asked me. Who are bullying you? I quickly pointed to the closest resting table outside lunch hall. Where one of the guys where sitting, one of my friends asked me, the guy with the red cap, and I nodded. All 8 of them strongly marched over to him, the biggest one quickening the phase, grabbing hold of him lifting him up the air and threw him what felt like 10 metres through the air, into a wall. All of them going up to him and each one of them had their time with him. The guy that hugged me finally said, if you as much as LOOK at Mats again (Mats, that's me. Hi *grin*) we will come back, and we will slowly kill you and your friends. One of his friends had exited the lunch hall and he saw the big guys, his friend lying all beat up, blood running from his nose and mouth, he gasped, and as I saw him I screamed "THERE! THERE'S ANOTHER!" All of my friends together turning towards him, he tried to run back into the lunchhall, but one of them had allready leaped forward to him, grabbing his neck and threw him into the crowd that was starting to arise. I guess it must've looked quite neat, me a 14 year old boy giving orders to 19, 20 yeard old guys of who they should beat up. They all calmly strode towards him as he was crawling backwards and hit a wall, the first of the guys that reached him picked him up, with one arm, loaded a punch which I have never seen the likes of, not even up to day, and the punch landed straight into the guys face, he emmediately fainted from the blow and was hanging, seemingly lifeless from his arm. (What you need to understand was that these guys where huge, noone shorter then 195 centimeters and all of them insanely big built.) After having thrown another guy ontop of some lockers, saying the same thing to him as they did with the first one they walked to me, saying they had to leave before the cops got here, wished me luck, and promised me that noone would ever dare to touch or even look at me again. It amazes me how right they acually where, I ofcourse where in interrogations with the police all afternoon where they asked for their names and such. Ofcourse I didn't give them the names. I simply said, how should I know, I've never seen them before. Denying everything that had taken place. But the next day, when I came to school, I prepared to get jumped by everyone that, by now, hated me. And I had decided that this time, I will not be weak, this time I will show them what I'm made of. But noone did, noone even looked at me. It was kind of creepy, but that's how it was, and it continued like that for almost a week. The guys that had formerly bullied me never stopped looking at the floor when I was around. The three guys that got what they deserved still doesn't dare to look me into my eyes. I started getting friends in school. Most of them false, they just wanted to be on my good side, but some of them true, real friends. Life went on, with much ease, apart from home, my mom had meet a new man and my dad a new woman. And I started having trouble in school because I was no longer bullied, I was one of the most respected, or say feared, guys in all of the community where I lived. So therefor I somewhat had a name I had to live up to. I started skipping school, skipping classes, I started getting girls and by the beginning of 9th grade I lost my virginity, to be honest, I was one of the first few guys that had done it. So I got even more respect. I believe somewhere along the road people where seeing good sides of me. That I could acually be nice, and that I had somewhat a sense of humor. Anyhow, after I had lost my virginity the life, as I refer to now adays, started. I started sleeping with girls, as many as possible. On my 15th birthday I had gotten my friends ID-card, which said I was born 1980, so I was 20 years on that ID-card. I visited pubs, I had been working out since my friends where at school, I tried anabolic steroids, I gained alot of muscles and ALOT of size. Beeing high on puberty and trying different steroids I was like a cracker munching russion on speed, hehe. I continued having trouble in school, I just didn't care I think. Or I didn't have enough energy it felt like. I was all emptied with having to tell my friends on how I did that or that girl. Building up a name as a player around myself. I acually once had a girl that asked me if my dick had shrunk because I did steroids, to her surprice it had not, and so I added another girl on my list. As I couldn't care about school the problems started to arise, my teachers started to nag on me and my parents did to. Then, one day, I was sitting in my friends sofa, he took out a box, I knew what it was for it was where he always kept his steroids, which I also had taken a few shots or tried a few pills from. But this time it was a bottle in it. A bottle with a gooy-looking transparent or grey-transparent fluid inside. He asked me if I wanted some, and I quickly said yes, after he said what it was. The drug GHB, an escape from reality I thought. I started doing drugs, people noticed that on me, because when I was high, everything was alright, I was feeling fine, but when I wasn't high I was all down and depressed. I went home high, not even afraid of if my mother would notice it. I honestly didn't care. I tried to sell it among the kids and my friends in school. And once I even took it in school, having been given a bad substance I miss-ignited and went all crazy for an hour only to the next hour after that beeing down, it felt like the world was going to end. I felt powerless, couldn't move, I just sat with my head in my arms mumbling all the time. (This has been told to me afterwards, didn't know that.) I then understod my life was on the brink, and when everything was alright with it, what I felt, I didn't want to die, I had no urge to die, I was liked and accepted among the people in school, I couldn't die. But did I stop? No, unfortunately I didn't. And one night my friends called me on the phone, telling me they would come pick me up. And so they did, I straight away got another dose of GHB and I was feeling juuuust fine. But there was something wrong with this one, it didn't kick in as other substances did. So I thought it was simply weak, and I took another one while my friends where inside a house on some business, I sitting in the car. After about 5 minutes everything started to look strange, the colors where flowing together like I've never seen before, and when my friends came back and saw me they said WTF, did you take another one? I said yes, but having heard their stories afterwards I only said "yeya*blubblub*ys" one of the bitchslapped me so hard I could almost hear bells ringing. He screamed that this wasn't GHB it was GBL three times as STRONG as GHB, so I had just taked 6 dozes of GHB. I almost puked on the floor, I got dragged out in the bushes along the road so I could puke, then they put me in the backseat, I almost fell asleep all the time, and even though I knew that I would die when falling asleep I still couldn't stop it. My closest friend, starting hitting me in the face every time I was about to fall asleep, he said that if I fall asleep it's over. I puked about 3 more times, then, we stopped at a loong straight forward road, one of them helped me out. And he said, you have to run along the car now, do you understand? You have to run as fast as you can, you have to raise your bloodpressure, that's the only way to get rid of this. Run now, run as fast as you have never ran before he screamed after me. I heard the car door shut, I was running, I was running so fast, I felt my heart beat slowly, calmly, I felt invincible, not even tired of running, I ran so fast the wind blew in my face, then only what felt like seconds from when I had started running I came to the end of the road. So I looked back, and they stood at the same place, honking the horn, so I started running back, as fast as I could, sooo fast, it felt almost like flying, however that feels. It felt like my feet didn't touch the earth, I was running with the speed of sound. And I came up to the car, they told me to get in. Asked me how I felt, and I cheeringly said, I'm lovely! with a big smile on my face. Stupid idiot one of them mumbled and I started to laugh uncontrollable. That rush lasted for almost 5 hours. It was incredible. But it was the last time I took a heavy drug. The last time. I moved to my father because school didn't work out. I was failing 13 subjects. I moved to my dad, got locked up more or less. And I finished elementary school with as little as 3 failed subjects, all of them really unimportant. I got accepted to the highschool I wanted and started playing EverQuest with my own account. (I had played it for a little over 1 year on my friends account.) The friends I had quit hanging with nazis, they had realised how stupid it was. It took me another year to realise it. High school went on, and I kept sleeping with girls. All and all, to the day I'm here I've had 27 girls in bed. 7 of them have been girlfriends. Short relationships apart from this one now, but I'll come to that soon. 5 of the girls where returning sex partners, open relationships as they're called. Maybe I felt comfort in sex, or by the chest of a girl. I had girls in all ages. No more then 2 years younger then me and no higher then 16 years olders then me. Anyhow, one day I meet Elin. My, as far as I'm concerned, big love. In believe I threated her as a godess, she was everything, she had everything! But I couldn't even wait meer 3 months for sex. I cheated on her, this was probably the biggest mistake in my life. I had cheated on girls before, but I never felt bad afterwards, now I felt awful, I didn't want to continue to live. But she acually took me back. she forgave me, or so I thought. (Later on I understod she would never forgive me.) We had sex for the first time, and to my surprice I didn't feel anything. No love, no nothing. But it changed, we acually started to have a somewhat normal relationship. Then life just HAD to destroy everything for me, as it allready had done so many prior times. I got in a fight with a nazi on our local square. Since I was out that evening to take a few bears I didn't want to fight, so I knocked him to the ground and ran away from there. Only to find myself a week after staring at my little brothers face, it was filled with blood, it ran down on his coat and he was screaming it was them! It was them! I straight forward took of into the woods, looking for them, those god damn chickenshits. I saw them at a creek, started screaming that they would come down, but they scattered in different directions. So I ran back to the car, told my friends that they where somewhere close, and we started looking for them, I was boiling with anger, I was seeing black, I was seeing death and mayhem, destruction and suffering. I would make them suffer the way my little brother was doing! We eventually turned into a road and I saw then strowling up it. I pointed and said, it's them! We accelerated and turned infront of them, the breaks screaming as we slowed down, I flew out of the door and jumped up in the air towards him, everything was as frozen in the air, I saw his face, he didn't try to defend himself, I was about to explode in anger, I consumed all the anger I had been keeping inside me for all these years! I saw pictures flashing by! My anger rouse! I saw his dead face infront of me! And I let my punch strike down into his face, he flew to the ground and I was on him in an instance, beating like insane, screaming that he had messed with the wrong family I beated him so hard that he moved several meters and rolled down into the drench I jumped after him and continued beating on his face, I hit his neck when he covered the face, and the face when he covered the neck, I saw him faint and regain coinciousness after each blow I gave him, but I couldn't stop there! It wasn't enough! He didn't suffer! This was only on the surface, I need to hurt him! I needed to kill him I was thinking! I saw a stone lying beside his head, I picked it up in my right hand I started hitting every open point on his head. One time, two times, three times, four times, five times... then I stood up, him lying between my legs. I saw a point on the top of his head which was unprotected, I took hold with both of my hands on the stone and I screamed! NOOOOOOOW YOU DIEEEEEE! And I hit him with all my force, remembered the sound for so many years ago of a head cracking open, the big *CROCK!* and I was done. I felt it was over. I stepped of him, walked up to the road and realised what I had done. One of his friends, a girl, walked towards him and started screaming that he was dead. Even my friends looked at me then at him and told me I was insane. Coldly stating that I were not a sane individual. As they tryed to help him up he regained coinciousness and started screaming my name. He saw me and started walking towards me, loading a punch, I avoided the punch and landed my own on his chin. He just, like a bag of potatoes, he dropped to the ground, and they picked him up, put him in the car and drove him to the hostpital. Yes, he survived, that to, to my big surprice. Life went on, police interrogations, which I had allready experienced quite alot of. Mom and dad afraid for their own, and their families lives. And I kept to my girlfriend, I kept to Elin, I knew I needed her support, I knew I needed her to hold me, to tell me she loved me. To cherish me, take care of me. I felt lost, so lost. And then, things started to change, slowly, but they changed. She started to deny sex, she hugged me less, she kissed me less. This was about 6-7 months into our relationship. It felt like the intimacy in our relationship was being depleted, I looked back at everything and couldn't understand what I had done. I tried to figure it out. For so long I was unable to understand. The summer came along and it all got worse. I acually kissed a girl, which made everything even worse! I got accused of having raped a girl. (And as it feels now I think that Elin might believe her.) I might be strange, but I would NEVER rape a girl. She denied more and more, and all my power went to crying myself to sleep because I could not understand why. I could not see any reason for her to chance like this. But then it came to me, like a gift from satan or any source of evil itself. I started thinking she was cheating on me, or that she had someone being my back, and if not such she was atleast looking for a replacement, an upgrade. Something. I started getting suspicious, calling her and asking where she was, what she was doing. I was soo afraid of loosing her. I feel now as I felt then. I need her! Then she broke up! Like that... not having spoken to me, I never saw it coming, or well, I did. But not like that. I tried, ohh I tried to get her back. Everything felt wrong. She wasn't accepting me. I tried for over 4 months to get her back. (She broke up shortly after our 1st year anniversery.) For 4 months I tried... and I tried, to solve things, to get her to talk, I tried everything that stod in my power. Nothing worked. So I gave up. Then all of a sudden she wanted me back. I couldn't understand why at first, but I didn't want to ask her because I loved her so much, I still do, but things change. I had finally gotten her back and I thought life would be better. It was, sometimes, but we ended up fighting like we used to. Fighting because of sex. She said no and my thoughts came rolling in like a river. She's cheating. And all that. I began to argue with her because she was simply tired and didn't want to. It's normal, but I was merely tired of it. Then one it acually felt like I reached her, like I reached her heart for the first time. she promised she would try to better herself, and I promised likewise, that I would not get upseat and think of her, cheating on me. And things like that. Sure, she changed, I think I did to. The thing is, we hardly ever meet after that. And now, a few days back, new years eve went on. We made love, from my side, lovely. But something felt wrong with her, she seemed forced, she seemed like doing it on a robotical level. Like "Alright, do me, get it over with." And up to today my life is no longer in my hands. I no longer know what to do, or if I should end it or not. I'm still pretty sure I do not possess the strength needed to commit suicide. As I didn't possess it when I was younger, I will not possess it now. Or so I think. I have options. I can move several miles away from here. I can join the French Foreign Legion, move to Scotland or to Spain. I just know that. If it ends between me and Elin, my life, as I know it, is over. And I cannot stay in Gothenburg, close to her. Why? For simply, I love her to much, and if someone would speak about her I would ask, and if they then would say she got another one. I would die within. I know that life goes on. I am not some ranting kid. But my life will not go on. I am absolutely sure of it. so why continue? Hope, it is hope that drives me. Hope of that some day I to shall live a normal life. Have a totally normal life. That is my dream.
06 Jan 2005	kristin the fucked	god, i seriously am fucked up. tylenol doesn't do the job, it just fucks up your liver. i was completely misinformed. now everyone will look at me as a complete idiot. shit i need a better plan.

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