|Reading these suicide pages you will find people seeking help and people offering their help. Some witness about suicide from real life experience, others who play along with me would pretend it's a children's game. Some make sick and cruel jokes about it, and angry people blame me for even mentioning the subject. You might also want to read my favourite answers. If you want your answer to be included here, fill in the form.|
What is the best way to kill yourself when you're under 13?
Quelle est la meilleure forme de suicide pour les moins de 13 ans?
|26 Feb 2002||Lucy Cortina||"Superman"
Today the phone rang, and my sister answered it.
"Heggo? Yes yes yes yes yes yes yes yes, listen"
I could hear her singing her version of 'Dancing Queen' and there was a banging noise as well - she would be doing the accompanying dance. God help the poor sod on the other end of the phone.
"Dancing bean... dancing bean... feel the touch of my tangerine...ine..."
It was so loud even Mutti was forced to shut her up. The phone was for me - it was Robbie, my new Sex God boyfriend. I shot downstairs, checking in the mirror at my hair, wanting to put on some make up. OH GOD!!! Am I mad? Sex God doesn't have X ray vision and can't see down the telephone line!
|24 Feb 2002||Lucy Cortina||A large pair of... ******, Mouch. Or in other words my nunga nungas. If you're comparing me to my aunt Fanny, then I guess I would be beautiful. You can see her nunga nungas when she takes her shoes off! I think I may recommend that she goes for some reductions.|
|23 Feb 2002||To Lucy Cortina||A large pair of what? Tits?
Is that what makes you beautiful?
And happy too!!?!?!!?!!?!!!
Is that the answer?
(I should've known...)
|23 Feb 2002||Lucy Cortina||Mouchette darling, do not despair - I'm still here and I've got a large pair.
(I've always been krap at poetry). Anyways, I will get back to business as soon as my UHM (Ugly home membership) has expired.
|12 Feb 2002||Lucy Cortina||Sacre bleu! Can't a girl get any peace? Not only do I have parents from planet V.Crazy, I have the boss of a suicide website who can't get me out of his head. If you think about it from another point of view, you'll understand! haha. Actually, I've been spending a few days in the ugly home, with a lot of middle aged men smelling of garlic, wearing white coats trying to convince me that I do not need to have plastic surgery like Michael Jackson. They didn't suceed. I now look like a squashed banana. Want a photo?|
|12 Feb 2002||Mouchette herself||Lucy Cortina!!!
Are you sick or something?... Why don't you post your daily joke here? You didn't commit suicide, did you? If this is the case, I going to kill myself as well, so you're warned!
Come back now, and stop pretending, k?
|09 Feb 2002||Lucy Cortina||God I'm bloody bored! Who needs parents? All they do is shout - they need to be put in a loony bin. Sacre bloody bleu and double merde! I'm considering plastic surgery for my uglyness - although if I end up like Michael Jackson then maybe my family would actually notice that I exist!|
|08 Feb 2002||Lucy Cortina||"Party Time!"
Don't ask why, but I went to the party dressed as a stuffed olive (again!). My friend Jane came in a red Britney-Spears-style catsuit. As I got to the front door, Angus (my mad cat) had one of his 'calls of the wild'. As I was passing by as a stuffed olive he leaped from his concealed place behind the curtains (or his lair, as I supposed he imagined it in his cat brain) and attacked my tights or 'prey'. I managed to beat him off with a brush. Dad wouldn't let me walk to the party so I said "What would I be doing walking the streets at night as a stuffed olive... gatecrashing cocktail parties?" Jane smirked but dad got all angry so I went in the car.
When I got there I had a horrible time. In a mood of defiant stuffed oliveness I did have a dance by myself, but things kept crashing to the floor around me.
The highlight was meeting SP or Sexpot. He is soooooo gorgeous, and I must have him! What's more, he is the older brother of Jane's boyfriend Tim. Sacre bleu. But still, he will be MINE!
|07 Feb 2002||Lucy Cortina||"Family - Who needs 'em?"
I have a mad uncle called Eddy, who's as bald as a coot. If he says to me one more time "Should bald heads be buttered?" I may kill myself. I felt like yelling @ him "I'm 16 years old! I'm bursting with womanhood, I wear a bra! OK, it's a bit on the loose side and rides up my neck if I run for the bus... but the womanly potential is there, you bald coot!"
When I went downstairs, Uncle Eddie had picked up my sister and was dancing around with her. She was singing "Uncle Eggy, Uncle Eggy!", which is quite funny when u think about it.
When Uncle Eddie had gone (thank the lord) he actually asked me if I'd like to ride in the sidecar of his motorbike. Are all adults from planet Xenon? What should I have said? "yes certainly, I'd love to go in your pre-war sidecar and with a bit of luck all my friends will see me with some mad, bald bloke, and that'll be the end of my life. Thankyou".
|07 Feb 2002||Lucy Cortina||"Les Idiot"
Today me & Ellen were sitting in the toilets with our feet against the back of the doors, so that the Hitler Youth (prefects) wouldn't know we were there and send us out into the torrential rain. They call it a 'slight shower'. They'd still say that if the first years were being swept to their deaths by tidal waves, or if Elvis' hut floated by with a flag on the roof.
I said to Ellen thru the cubicle wall "Is your brother slightly mad?" I could hear her crunching her crisps. She thought about it. "No, he's quite a laugh, really. He calls going to the toilet 'going to the piddly diddly department'". I could hear her thru the wall, laughing and choking. I just sat there staring at the door. After a bit she controlled herself and said "If he's going to the toilet for a number 2 he says 'I'm just off to the poo parlour division'". And she was off, wheezing and choking again. Sacre bleu! I am surrounded by 'les idiots'!
(Also, if it's cold, Ellen's hilarious brother says it is 'nippy noodles' - is that meant to be funny? only I forgot to laugh).
|05 Feb 2002||Lucy Cortina||"Lesbian Lust 2"
In line with my resolution to concentrate on school and not boys I went to do yoga in the school gym at lunchtime. My routine is called 'The Sun Salute' and you stretch up to welcome the sun and then bend down as if to say "I am not worthy".
Miss Stamp came in just as I was doing dog pose. "Don't let me disturb you. I'm glad you're taking an interest in yoga, it's very good for the body". Well, I was upside-down with my bottom sticking up in the air. Not something you want to do in front of a lesbian. So I quickly went into cobra but that made it look like I was sticking my breasts out at her. I think she may be growing a beard as well as a moustache. Maybe she's a transexual? Now there's a teribble thought!...
|05 Feb 2002||Lucy Cortina||"Call of the wild"
We have a cat called Angus. He's a scottish wildcat. He often has these 'Call of the wild' episodes. I remember when we found him... I should've guessed all was not well when I picked him up and he started savaging my cardigan. "He'll die here, he has no mummy or daddy" I pleaded so we could keep him. My dad said "He's probably eaten them". Eventually we brought him home. I didn't realise that he would grow to the size of a labrador, only madder. I used to take him for walks on a lead, but as I explained to Mrs next-door, he ate it.
Mrs next-door has complained that Angus stalks her poodle. I explained "He's a wildcat, that's what they do, they stalk their prey". Why doesn't she get a bigger dog? The stupid yappy thing annoys Angus.
|04 Feb 2002||Lucy Cortina||"Elvis lives!"
We have a school caretaker who we call Elvis. He has that funny hair, u know. He's also one of the most dull men I've ever set my eyes on. Anyway, today I was leaning near Elvis' hut at breaktime. I saw him put on his coat and get his shopping bag... what a wally he looked. I had nothing else to do so I decided to sit in his hut for a while, and enjoy the life of a caretaker. There was nothing much in the hut - a chair, table, a little fridge and some magazines he'd been reading. I sat down and flicked through them... and my jaw nearly dropped off. Because they were naughty magazines, if u know what I mean. Called 'Fiesta' and 'Bad Girls'. One of them was called 'Down your way', and was full of candid photos of readers and their wives in the privacy of their homes. Some of them were so fat!! I flicked through the pages to the centrefold. And it was ELVIS and MRS ELVIS!!!! NAKED!!!!! I couldn't believe it. Elvis naked. Elvis was standing by the kettle naked, pretending to make a cup of coffee and Mrs Elvis was doing the ironing naked!!!
I took the mag with me and passed it around the whole class. We were laughing all afternoon, someone only had to say "Fancy a cup of coffee my dear?" and we'd be off again!
Elvis knows someone has got his mag but he can't say anything. When he was getting his lunch we all said together "Can I get you a cup of coffee sir?" Hahahahahahaha, ain't life sweet?
|04 Feb 2002||jo hill||i think this is a great site. you are wonderful little fly. i love it. only close-minded assholes don't want to face up to reality- and suicide is really real, guys. swallow it. and i love lucy cortina's stories too. i've gotten some good info here, but not enough specifics, which makes sense because those who are sure of the details are gone. i'm not 13 or under, but like many here have spent most of my adult life depressed. i just turned 33, which incidentally was how old jesus was when he was crucified. if i could figure out how to pull that one off, that would be a peach. so for under 13's, i agree with the recent lad who suggested the car exhaust. as an adult, i have access to pharmaceuticals. one helpful guy suggested eating first, so as not to upset the stomach and puke it all up again. i think i may have also heard that you need to pace the intake, but i'm afraid i might pass out before i ingest a lethal dosage. so how fast can you really swallow lots of pills on a full stomach without wasting all your hard effort and puking them up? i'm talking pain and sleeping pills (vicodin, darvocet, ...) thanks to anyone who can provide some helpful info.|
|03 Feb 2002||Lucy Cortina||"Oops! She did it again"
Last night I was sat watching TV with my sister on my knee. Mum came in and said "ohh, you look so sweet together.. I remember when you were that age.. blah blah blah..." Oh god, here we go, the 'How did my little girl get so big?' routine. Sure enough, Mum's eyes got all watery and she started stroking my hair (v.annoying!) and started to say "how did my little girl get so big?"
Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on where you were sitting) my sister let off the smelliest, loudest fart known to humanity. It came out with such force that she lifted off my knee - like a hovercraft. Even she looked surprised by what had come out of her. I pushed her off my knee.. Eughhhh!...
Grandad farted once when we were out in the street. Really loudly. There was a posh-looking-woman behind him walking her dachshund dog. You know, those little sausage dog things (*). The woman heard grandad's fart (who didn't?) and she said "Well really!!"
And grandad said "I'm terribly sorry, madam, I seem to have shot the legs off your dog!" (*)
|02 Feb 2002||Lucy Cortina||Well well well... I see there's been a few dog fights here. Deary me. Honestly, this is a civilised website, you should be ashamed of yourselves!
No jokes today Mouchette, sorry. I need to put my thinking cap on and come up with something. Can't have you dying on us now, can I? Something funny I saw on Tv last night though: there was this talkshow about sexual 'experiences'. A man was on, claiming his g/friend chained him to a bed with handcuffs. She then came in with some baby oil, and hit him on the ass, saying "You naughty boy!!" then when he turned around to look, it was his girlfriend's mum! hahaha
|02 Feb 2002||The Real Mouchette||Just to let you know who the Real Boss Here is, I even publish some crap from people pretending to be me (see below). No, I'm not closing down my site. Not in the near future.
And as long as Lucy Cortina writes her daily story, I shall want to live one more day to know what she will write next.
I want to remind every reader of the Suicide Kit board that everything here is published by hand by someone who reads it, occasionally corrects some typos and puts it online (or not). Ok?
And this person is Me: The Real Mouchette.
|02 Feb 2002||The boss here||Just to let you all know, I will be closing down my site within the next 2 months. What do you think of that, Lucy Cortina? I would like to say I am very pleased with the success of my website these past few years, but the time has come for me to move on. THANKYOU ALL!!!
LOTS OF LOVE, MOUCHETTE, XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX.
|01 Feb 2002||S.T.H.||hey u Lucy Cortina, ur really really funny! i nearly choked laffing at all ur posts! keep it up wont u. also good that u provoked a personal reaction from mouchette, well done!
as to question of suicide, i would just jump off a very tall building.
|01 Feb 2002||Lucy Cortina|| "Tastes Good"
I can already feel myself getting fed up with boys and I haven't had anything to do with them yet. Oh god, please don't make me have to be a lesbian like Hairy Kate or Miss Stamp!
(What do lesbians do, anyway?)
Ellen and Christy rang from a phonebox. They took turns to speak French accents. Were going for a walk tomorrow, or 'La Marche Avec Mystery'.
Have put face mask made from egg yolks on just in case we see any 'les garcons gorgeous' on our walk. It turned out that I blocked the sink with the egg yolk residue. Anyway, I must have fallen asleep with the cucumber slices over my eyes. My sister crept into my room and ate one of the cucumber slices. It gave me a terrible shock to see her face looming over me when I wasn't expecting it. For a minute, I thought the Grim Reaper had come to take me, but no such luck. I got up and cleaned it all off. Welcome to the new more womanly, confident me!!